stupid cloud

i stand in a cloud of grey, trapped in a place i'd rather not be
sitting in pain , oh why me?
the cloud is dense , sometimes
i have wings but i cannot fly the sky
 pushed again into this state of enforced misery
reverted to a dreary cloud
the pain has increased in intensity
colours have changed tone , a darker shade
and i am pushed inside a hole again
my little twig like feet are dragged here by a force that is bigger then me
events in my life, hurts, pain
the cloud wins or maybe my mind simply wins
i guess my past pains are still impacting me
they have for so long , now
sad feelings hurt me each and every time
my mind is dumb , it's the blame for all my misery
everything that has hurt me in life lives here inside my stupid and dumb mind
i live in a cloud, i guess that is true
standing with my feet cushioned from underground
cushioned in a sad way, the pavement is below me
but i cannot see the ground
up here its sometimes dense, grey in its varying shades
sometimes its lighter and not so pained
lighter , darker, lighter, darker again
shifting and changing in shades of grey
soft , light shadow, dense, solid bold blocks of grey
they live around my tired and fed up eyes
overwhelming when my mind speaks of a dark and pained shadow
when i am in too much pain , then all is dark grey
and even the blue sky, even she cannot reach me
for i am stuck in a dreary cloud
empty nothingness, depression or a intense type of grief
sometimes i find myself feeling almost ok
but even then i find , i stil notice the wrong feelings inside of me
and the sadness which lurks around my life
i too live with dissociation
a sometimes muddled up and confusing daze of a dream
when my mind dissociates and i feel like i have left myself
i am dreaming in a confusing cloud and even that gets to me
the madness of this world, when you have to feel like you are up in the sky
living in a cloud, truly what has happened to me
can i please escape the ever changing shades of grey which linger in my mind
a white cloud, sometimes i feel partially white , i guess
thats the peace part of me, sometimes i feel at peace within myself
but even then there is a part of me lurking in the grey clouds
calm, relaxed and settled, but still a little sad
oh, how can i not feel any sadness about a life that throws me so much bad?
so much grey , not enough light, someone tell me how to not get sad ?
how do i keep away from the sad and bad thoughts when my problems persist
left wandering, pondering, waiting in line
i ask , where is the fully flourescent rainbow?