the traumatised tree

To speak of my trauma is to tell the tale of me
but I refuse to speak of me combined with the past
so instead, I will pretend and tell you a tale about a tree
grown up from a seed, rooted into a square segment
determined by someone else
she never had a choice about her place in the world
the world around her seemed cold and indifferent
the sun may have been shining but she was never lifted off her feet
her branches never swayed or danced in the beautiful breeze
and the birds only lingered on her branches for a few seconds
quite keen to run away
they never stayed long enough to sing through her leaves
or make her heart feel a little brighter
and when she was sad, the sky was indifferent
or showed her no attention at all
when the breeze fluttered brightly her way
she felt nothing because she was numb
and her bark could not feel, take in, experience
she felt invisible and empty like she was a bark, nothing more
her boredom, numbness, invisibility, and indifference continued
and when the sun cast its rays, she felt nothing
and when the birds flew overhead
occasionally deciding to meet her edge
she longed for the sunshine around their wings
living in the dark, outside experiences only left her upset
when the sky was happy, she only felt pain and a hollow void
the world, indifferent and cold
in the warmth, her world was still empty and cold
her bark wept in the sun and dared to shrink in the cold
because cold is all she felt
then one year it started to thunder around her tender skin
it continued for years and years
 causing her difference to change in size
every other tree, they were standing and smiling in the sun
and yet, this was the same day, the same sky, the same location
was she really cursed to suffer
whilst the tree's next-door smiled to the rooftops
so many rays of sun beating repeatedly on their skin
and yet, she was in fear, shrinking under a terrible thunderstorm
one which she had never experience in her whole life
this thunder was cruel, really cruel
her bark felt too weak and the storm was like a volcano
petrified that she was going to be pulled from the ground
scared witless, her bark felt like it was falling apart
her shell was too frightened and the storm took hold
thunder crashed on down and the lightning made her shiver
wanting to dissolve into the ground, she was standing
and this was her place in the world
she could not escape or move away
the storm kept on crashing around
on the outside, she was still standing, still living
but on the inside, she was dying
traumatized, whacked and made thin
beaten to the ground, repeatedly
and yet she was still standing
why, so many years of being hurt
treated indifferently and then a disastrous thunderstorm
somehow she survived, and she is still here today
despite being hurt, traumatized, beaten to the ground
she still stands, in the same soil, in the same land
vulnerable, confused, wondering when that previous storm
will come back to taunt her bark, pulling her back into the past
she was planted in the wrong place, cursed to be incredibly unlucky
now she wishes to forget the pain, her past
and asks for an umbrella to shelter her from any forthcoming storm
you see, this tree, she is a little confused and dismayed
there was no umbrella when the storm was beating her to the ground
no protection, no barrier, nothing to save her from the outside forces
pushing their way into her skin
why did nobody give her leaves an umbrella when she needed one
why was her bark left to splinter underneath the storm
nobody saved her from the volcano
why did nobody save her, those girls, boys, ladies, and gentlemen
walking past the storm, they had an umbrella, they were safe
I had no safety net when I needed it
nothing to keep me from trembling and falling
I was vulnerable and exposed, fragile and out for attack
and nothing, nobody could save me
if only I was a warrior princess with an umbrella, a safety net
armor and weapons ready to fight back and defend
but simply a standing tree, traumatized by her outside world
and hurt to the core