What Resides

Feet planted in the sands of an old familiar post card beach
Gentle waves break in white curls as if to be a subtle reminder
The seas temperament can change at any moment so do not linger
With that, I slowly step away but never quite turning my back
To the abyss I once called home, devoid of all but a single light and faint voice
The moons reflection, this faux light, bades me to swim with her the way I once did
The way I have in the past...
The waves eagerly reach for my feet... Not this time, dear, no not this time
As I turn to run reeds grasp at stiff legs as if begging me to stay, whispering soft
"Don't give up"
 "We're here for you..."
"We're your friends!"
Friends...
Shock like falling through thin ice, I was never on that beach
The frigid water at my chin, fixated on my lie in the sky
I lie afloat... like a deer in headlights... there is no hope
As the liquid invades my ears like the endless scenarios and conversations manifesting in my head
The sweet familiar sting of overwhelming denial and self doubt passes the time
In this war waged on a private front that nobody could ever understand
Unless they were the victors against the one man army in your mind
And even then, they forget the worst part and regurgitate the same old worn out advice

Because it's never as easy as just winning the battle
When ever minute is an uphill struggle in a war against an opponent
Who doesn't sleep
Who knows everything you know
Encompasses everything you fear
A mental manifestation of concentrated selfhate
And lingering disdain of anything positive
No compliment or embrace
Nothing you do soothes this cantankerous beast
When it smile with a thousand maws...
If you give it a good enough show, you'll be thrown your bone
Allowed to regain your strength, for the thrill of the hunts the motto of this heinous monster
As it stalks you in every mirror, in every strangers smile
All the while anxiety plays your fears on loop in the back of your mind
"They are all a threat, they are all a threat
Dare not look them in the eye you are mere moments from conflict
Look down at the ground and get out as fast as you can
And don't look back at their crooked grins
For they mock you, fool... they despise you"

Hide behind the walls you've labored upon, for years...
"What's out of touch cannot hurt you"
What's out of touch cannot help me...
In a life without reason to feel anything resembling this kind of pain
Lucidity comes and goes as it pleases...