deepundergroundpoetry.com
Bandages that hurt instead of heal
I wear these bandages.
I bruise my ribs with them.
I wrap them so tight that i cannot breath.
I have cracked ribs and hurt my back.
All for a flat chest.
I am in so much pain from unsafe binding but i continue.
Because despite the terrible pain,
When i look in the mirror once fully dressed I am able to smile.
For i no longer see a girl.
I see me. A boy.
Having waited too long to be seen.
I see freedom despite the pain.
I use bandages to hide my chest despite the danger and how unsafe it is for me.
All because I smile through it in the end.
(Binding with bandages is dangerous and unsafe. I only do it because i have no other option)
I bruise my ribs with them.
I wrap them so tight that i cannot breath.
I have cracked ribs and hurt my back.
All for a flat chest.
I am in so much pain from unsafe binding but i continue.
Because despite the terrible pain,
When i look in the mirror once fully dressed I am able to smile.
For i no longer see a girl.
I see me. A boy.
Having waited too long to be seen.
I see freedom despite the pain.
I use bandages to hide my chest despite the danger and how unsafe it is for me.
All because I smile through it in the end.
(Binding with bandages is dangerous and unsafe. I only do it because i have no other option)
Published 16th May 2018
Author's Note
Again. Binding with bandage wrap is unsafe and can be very dangerous. Hypocritical i know but please don't do this. I dont know you but i care for your safety. Find another option.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Hello there
I took the time to write you a solid honest critique on this piece, for three reasons... Firstly, you've asked for it by marking your poem "honest critique" secondly, I think your concept and raw honest writing has the potential to be magnificent. If you ran through this a couple of times editing and perfecting it, you will have a bloody exquisit write here. Thirdly, I hope my critique is helpful and of value to your writing here on the DU and that you use it and grow into a literary genius from a little layer of the onion that we unfold together.
What makes both the poems you have posted special is that they both offer solid personal emotion and experience. You as a writer have a special way of getting that message to readers.
Now that critique...
Write for the reader to read. When you put the word down ask yourself will this make sense to a reader? How will it look on a page? Will it flow easily for the eye to keep reading and will it keep interest?
So herewith suggestions on your piece to take your experience and make art from it...
1. Suggest turning the first stanza into a hook that makes the reader connect and want to know more. Suggest removing all redundant words to achieve this but also give the reader a feeling of universality by reducing the word "I" as much as possible... My example (note I don't expect you to use my way or not it's your poem.) I'm merely showing you what I mean...
These bandages
bruise ribs
wrapped tightly, stealing breaths
cracking ribs
piercing my back
In the name of a flat chest
[i] note we established that we are talking about your life, using the word "my" once. Previously we had five "I" and two "my". You might also see we take the reader to the image in there mind as quickly as we can and basically leave them wanting to know "what is this?"[/i]
2. Suggest adding images to describe the thing where possible (Because that's what poetry is) particularly in the parts you want the reader to feel the torment... I used your stanza 3 as an example...
For i no longer see a girl.
I see me. A boy.
Having waited too long to be seen.
"A life of femininity
all perky, pretty
is not for me
Born with chromosomal
masculinity
I'm the boy next door
happy and free"
3. Suggest that your disclaimer while really responsible is best left seperate to your art. You are not the reader's mom no need to protect or judge them. Possibly leave it in the authors note. But I wouldn't let it overide your closing line.
4..Suggestion on closing... I feel poems need to end leaving something for the reader to hold onto (where possible) having read your last stanza lots of times I think you could make magic there by simply turning it on it's head... Have a look...
I see freedom despite the pain.
I use bandages to hide my chest despite the danger and how unsafe it is for me.
All because I smile through it in the end.
"Smiling through
the danger zone like
a tightrope walker without a net
Worn bandages hiding
my chest
bringing freedom
through excruciating
pain"
In closing, please realise that critique of this nature takes time and work. I only offer it to poems I think are really good and can bennefit from the effort put in.
You are welcome to use anything I have put here, it all stems from your wonderful work. Also feel free to ask if anything seems off to you, or clarity is needed. If you do decide to give this work the effort and care that it deserves, let me know. I'd love to watch it transform.
Kindest Regards
Al
I took the time to write you a solid honest critique on this piece, for three reasons... Firstly, you've asked for it by marking your poem "honest critique" secondly, I think your concept and raw honest writing has the potential to be magnificent. If you ran through this a couple of times editing and perfecting it, you will have a bloody exquisit write here. Thirdly, I hope my critique is helpful and of value to your writing here on the DU and that you use it and grow into a literary genius from a little layer of the onion that we unfold together.
What makes both the poems you have posted special is that they both offer solid personal emotion and experience. You as a writer have a special way of getting that message to readers.
Now that critique...
Write for the reader to read. When you put the word down ask yourself will this make sense to a reader? How will it look on a page? Will it flow easily for the eye to keep reading and will it keep interest?
So herewith suggestions on your piece to take your experience and make art from it...
1. Suggest turning the first stanza into a hook that makes the reader connect and want to know more. Suggest removing all redundant words to achieve this but also give the reader a feeling of universality by reducing the word "I" as much as possible... My example (note I don't expect you to use my way or not it's your poem.) I'm merely showing you what I mean...
These bandages
bruise ribs
wrapped tightly, stealing breaths
cracking ribs
piercing my back
In the name of a flat chest
[i] note we established that we are talking about your life, using the word "my" once. Previously we had five "I" and two "my". You might also see we take the reader to the image in there mind as quickly as we can and basically leave them wanting to know "what is this?"[/i]
2. Suggest adding images to describe the thing where possible (Because that's what poetry is) particularly in the parts you want the reader to feel the torment... I used your stanza 3 as an example...
For i no longer see a girl.
I see me. A boy.
Having waited too long to be seen.
"A life of femininity
all perky, pretty
is not for me
Born with chromosomal
masculinity
I'm the boy next door
happy and free"
3. Suggest that your disclaimer while really responsible is best left seperate to your art. You are not the reader's mom no need to protect or judge them. Possibly leave it in the authors note. But I wouldn't let it overide your closing line.
4..Suggestion on closing... I feel poems need to end leaving something for the reader to hold onto (where possible) having read your last stanza lots of times I think you could make magic there by simply turning it on it's head... Have a look...
I see freedom despite the pain.
I use bandages to hide my chest despite the danger and how unsafe it is for me.
All because I smile through it in the end.
"Smiling through
the danger zone like
a tightrope walker without a net
Worn bandages hiding
my chest
bringing freedom
through excruciating
pain"
In closing, please realise that critique of this nature takes time and work. I only offer it to poems I think are really good and can bennefit from the effort put in.
You are welcome to use anything I have put here, it all stems from your wonderful work. Also feel free to ask if anything seems off to you, or clarity is needed. If you do decide to give this work the effort and care that it deserves, let me know. I'd love to watch it transform.
Kindest Regards
Al
16th May 2018 6:06pm
16th May 2018 1:21pm
Well, I would say simply, please follow your own advice also sir & wear baggier clothing perhaps until a more suitable option becomes available. This is a touching write & shows that you care for others going through a similar experience.
19th May 2018 10:56pm
i believe someone whose been through the same easily identifies with the pain.your poetry has that effect.i however suggest you use more devices such as metaphor or imagery to emphasize on the feelings factor.i love your poetry.its deep and true.indpiring.
6th Oct 2018 2:18am
