deepundergroundpoetry.com
Alone in the light-version 2
I changed my previous poem, I'm hoping to get people's general thoughts. Do you feel this is an an improvement over the previous version, are there specific things that were better in the first version? Does this flow better, etc.
"In the horizon a rising sun climbs, a distant star.
Mesmerizing, its far reaching rays befall a cloak.
as it's beams pierce, like shimmering spears put through a thin veil.
In the withering shade a flower's attention swiftly taken as dawn signs,
its red petals open, left warm to touch but all too frail.
captivated, a flower grows only towards the sun.
Entwined to a stunning shimmer, it's stem bends in the breeze, as it lifts up towards an elegant sight.
With its crimson core laid bare, an abyss fills beyond confines.
Allured, a red rose grows, vibrant and dethorned."
"In the horizon a rising sun climbs, a distant star.
Mesmerizing, its far reaching rays befall a cloak.
as it's beams pierce, like shimmering spears put through a thin veil.
In the withering shade a flower's attention swiftly taken as dawn signs,
its red petals open, left warm to touch but all too frail.
captivated, a flower grows only towards the sun.
Entwined to a stunning shimmer, it's stem bends in the breeze, as it lifts up towards an elegant sight.
With its crimson core laid bare, an abyss fills beyond confines.
Allured, a red rose grows, vibrant and dethorned."
Published 8th May 2018
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9th May 2018 00:36am
The flow seems a bit more stuttered in this version. I think. The poem should flow better than it does. There is one line I probably would have dropped the 'it's' on and that's at the beginning of the 5th line. :-)
9th May 2018 1:33am
I came up with this version which is very similar to the 1st version you had. I tidied up the grammar a bit & tried to make it flow a little better. See what you think of what I have done below:
"Alone In The Light"
A radiance shines, brighter than the most spectacular star,
Like a twinkling distant orb but certainly not too far.
Like a beam that pierces; a shimmering spear put through a veil,
Red petals open, warm to touch but all too frail.
Attention taken as dawn sighs its surreal and hypnotic dream,
Mesmerizing and captivating, reaching the deepest trance.
Entwined in stunning scintillations, a most elegant sight,
Drawn towards a glister, until dusk's last light.
A brilliant sun, a horizon lit as far as eyes can see,
Vibrant yet dethroned, enchanting an alluring star.
A leaf reaching for a glimmer, with all a stem can muster,
A flower in the rain, fading and growing with each passing lustre.
A rose lay open, until a harsh winter's freeze,
Enthralled, its strong stem wavers, bending in the breeze.
A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines -
That beautiful orb of luminance...
Time forever will outshine.
"Alone In The Light"
A radiance shines, brighter than the most spectacular star,
Like a twinkling distant orb but certainly not too far.
Like a beam that pierces; a shimmering spear put through a veil,
Red petals open, warm to touch but all too frail.
Attention taken as dawn sighs its surreal and hypnotic dream,
Mesmerizing and captivating, reaching the deepest trance.
Entwined in stunning scintillations, a most elegant sight,
Drawn towards a glister, until dusk's last light.
A brilliant sun, a horizon lit as far as eyes can see,
Vibrant yet dethroned, enchanting an alluring star.
A leaf reaching for a glimmer, with all a stem can muster,
A flower in the rain, fading and growing with each passing lustre.
A rose lay open, until a harsh winter's freeze,
Enthralled, its strong stem wavers, bending in the breeze.
A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines -
That beautiful orb of luminance...
Time forever will outshine.
14th May 2018 6:59am
sorry for the late reply. Yeah ok I can see that now, thanks for that insight I'll try to maybe blend the two together more. I appreciate the example that really helps
