Man U Script

 
A corpse lay on the floor, a strawberry clenched in its teeth.
With a Sherlock Holmes like glare in his eye, but unfortunately
a stupid redneck grin across his two prominent teeth,
Cuthbert ogled the decaying specimen. He racked his brain,
scratched his head, picked his nose and with the deadly force of a Tutsi warrior
removed the wax from his ear with an extra large cotton bud.
Nothing came to mind all he had was a whole load of questions.
'Why was there, just lying there a dead hippopotamus in a pink ball gown?
why was there a dead hippopotamus wearing too much light blue eye shadow?
why was there a dead hippopotamus sporting 1970's a green raffia hat?
why was the dead hippopotamus clenching a strawberry in its teeth?
why was there a dead hippopotamus lying dead on his dining room floor?"

Cuthbert pondered for a while but still nothing came.
He sat in his normal prominent place at the dining table,
the largest straight backed dining chair of the set,
more of a Papal throne than a practical dinning chair.
He looked around the table and carefully counted
six empty bottles of scotch,
a half eaten bowl of fresh strawberries
and a small empty packet of rat poison
sitting half under the sugar bowl.

He looked down again at the corpse and noticed
that next to it on the floor lay a dog eared and rather grubby manuscript
open at the center pages. he picked it up and began to scan it
in a backward direction from the center towards the front.
It was full of corrections and notes of criticism, lines scored out,
question marks, the words 'Just not good enough all in red pen.
It was as if a critic with all the skills of a master butcher
had hacked this novel attempt to death. He reached the front page,
and as tears welled up in his rather bloodshot eyes he read
'My first Affair by Cuthbert Anglewash'a romantic novel

The alcoholic tinged fog was beginning to clear from his muddled mind
it was his first novel his pet project for five long years, his baby
His memory started to re-fill as fear and panic clenched his gut
'She hated it the bitch hated it, went through it like Freddie Kruger
with her red biro, "Just trying to be helpful" she said,
"this will never do for Mills and Boon" she said.
"It needs a bit of spicing up, maybe a murder,
Poisson the unfaithful one, a touch of Romeo and Juliet" she said.
'Well' thought Cuthbert 'the strawberries and rat Poisson actually worked,
maybe I could work that into the storyline'. He picked up his pen and began
to frantically write. He stopped suddenly
and looked again at the dead hippopotamus.

"Oh my god!, I've killed Barbara Cartland!"