PHQ-9

PHQ-9

A.

fill in the boxes with pen or pencil to mark your answers
over the last two weeks how often can you count your pain
its multiple choice, so easy for fuckups and romancers
we add it all up at the end and decide if you are needy or insane

little interest or pleasure in doing things number one
or are you feeling far too down, depressed and hopeless to tick a box
insomniac, walking asleep half of all days, some times non
ticking energy levels like a 16 bit hero 0 1 2 3 cheat unlocks

nearly every day a poor appetite and then overeating
more than half the days paranoid like an NHS conspiracy
ticking boxes in an exam fuckup, constantly repeating
total score plus plus plus equals question B

B.

if you have been bothered by any problems listed above
please answer how difficult is it in your social interactions
one of four boxes ticked, so when push comes to shove
we can prescribe our latest meds and social interventions

we can give you pills today with no guarantees
your high blood pressure may make you collateral %
long wait on CBT and psychodynamic talking therapies
please just pause your self destruct, its something we can prevent (?)

distract yourself by ticking boxes, pop plastic bubbles
this format not repackaged under cold utilitarian stares
just accept each box that gets ticked will alleviate your troubles
PHQ-9 foremost checklist that quantifies who is well or truly despairs