From our Ash's

I'm sorry for everything negative that’s happen  
I never planned them  
Just landed myself right in the middle of them  
Trying to start my life over again  
Trying something new and bonding with you  
I was excited to begin  
Then  
Now everything is different  
I'm not the same fuck up  
I was on a righteous path  
With love and no hatred  
And no violence to speak of  
I'm not myself  
Because I think I gave myself to you  
Even tho I didn't want to  
And I told you  
I'm not something you can hold onto  
You can't love with the capacity I do  
You can't love me  
 more than I can love you  
This is also something I knew  
But  
I still choose you  
 Because when I said I love you  
That was all true  
You said you would help me  
And love me like no other  
But I usually feel like I'm put in the gutter  
But when you're nice  
I feel like I'm a gladiator  
 
I know I'm fucked up to  
Done things nobody should do  
Ive owned each of them proudly but sadly  
Those were my choices to  
My past haunts me everyday  
And not from you  
From hating myself and self destructing  
From such a young age  
With nobody to love me .  
Just saying I'm stupid,dumb and useless
And dont forget the chokes and punches
And my favorite I hate you,
 I wish I never had you !
So I grew cold after years of abuse  
Then Started to use and abuse  
Making the world, and myself pay  
For all of the years I was never saved .  
I hate myself  
I hate my face  
I hate the world because it will never  change .  
Its always gonna turn  
And things will always remain the same  
People hurting  
Wars and churches  
The death of the soul and the flesh  
Over and over again until the universe stops  
 
I just want to stop  
Why can't we live in peace  
Why can't we have our dreams  
Why is life make believe…  
I try so hard and I never achieve  
 
I thought I had won tho when you looked into me  
 and said you had seen  
Deep in the soul in the core where nobody sees  
You said things nobody has to me,  
In ways that I've always wanted and dreamed .  
I thought can it really be?  
Is this my Harley Quinn  
Did the gods answer my plea  
And so it seemed  
 
There are many things I've felt as well  
many things I've seen  
And Love is wild and terrifying  raging like the sea  
It has its calms  
With just enough motion to move it along  
But then there's the storms  
That are devastating and strong  
You almost forget that there was ever a calm  
Ever a love or respect for it  
You just want to get to dry land  
Ground yourself  digging hands and feet into warm sand  
Finally warm and the motion is gone  
Some get scared  
And never swim again  
Giving up hope that they can learn to swim  
Others learn and rise from it  
Saying my love and her beauty are to great to ever quit  
 
I love the ocean and I love to swim  
I'm mostly equipped  
 sometimes I choke tho  
Forgetting and panicking  
On the illusion of control  
 
I've been treated less than dirt over half of my life  
Never loved or needed by my parents at home  
Always beatin oppressed and told to leave  
 I wish you were never born  
So the cold harsh streets I roamed  
Search anywhere for a home..  
I have trust issues  
Insecurities  
Walls built to block out the misery  
I want you in my home  
I want you to know that I love you to the bone  
And That I'm sorry and my emotions were out of control  
One minute screaming hatred  
The next I'm ripping off your clothes  
You say your wet and turned on and to go baby go  
Were kissing, its heavy  
Then,are we arguing ?  
I'm not sure I think  
I just want to love you  
And understand how you think  
I want to grow old with you  
Get old,  
 live life and die with you  
I need to let go of you  
I can't expect you to love me or tell the truth  
I just thought you would  
Because you said that's what you would do  
I have to let go of what is just hurting me  
And never helping  
I have to let go of everything  
I want to be part of a team  
Were the two are madly in love  
And they travel and dream  
I want are dream  
I want to feel like a king  
I want my queen  
I want you everyday next to me  
Till the end of eternity  
You probably hate me  tho  
And never want to see me  
I do still love you and I hope you can forgive me  
I will work on me regardless if you break up with me  
I'll try not to kill myself but I can't promise anything  
I will be devastated  
I never wanted to fully love again  
I knew it would shatter the already broken me .  
I love you and I know this is all sporadic and probably doesn't make sense  
But on my son  
On god or our dads  
 I do love you  
And I do want everything we talked about still to  
You are the best to me, I need you  
Please think about us  
And if you don't want me anymore  
Please go easy me  
Remember you once loved me  
And I still love you  
I love you c.p  
I hope we can get thru this and not end something so pure  
I know its hard right now  
But we can't give up right when were about to be free from all of this  
and finally able to start fresh and new