deepundergroundpoetry.com
Jane Doe
She lies on my table, naked as the day she was born, her finger nails tell tails of dirt, flesh and blood, her eyes stare back at me, grey as a morbid sky,
A pentagram carved into her chest, Roman numerals carved down both arms, her wrists and ankles have been broken from being bound tightly, flesh has been clawed away from her face, I can still see the fear in her final expression.
She has been violated with tools in a way only a creature of the dammed could enjoy, sacrificed for a dream of resurrection, I fear for the new wave of darkness on earth,
Her presence in my morgue breathes life into the souls that have past through, sounds of lost souls in purgatory echo through my halls the dead start to wonder and feed me lies or truths i wish were only lies, she is the gateway, her eyes will be the future of our morbid grey sky.
A pentagram carved into her chest, Roman numerals carved down both arms, her wrists and ankles have been broken from being bound tightly, flesh has been clawed away from her face, I can still see the fear in her final expression.
She has been violated with tools in a way only a creature of the dammed could enjoy, sacrificed for a dream of resurrection, I fear for the new wave of darkness on earth,
Her presence in my morgue breathes life into the souls that have past through, sounds of lost souls in purgatory echo through my halls the dead start to wonder and feed me lies or truths i wish were only lies, she is the gateway, her eyes will be the future of our morbid grey sky.
Published 28th Jan 2018
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comments 6
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
First off, the theme of your piece holds many truths as to the direction society seems to be taking, though exaggerated for effect, (I hope), so, kudos for your insight.
Since "Honest Critique" was selected, I offer the follow observations. Since you obviously care about grammar and the use of punctuation in your writing, I felt it may also carryover to using the proper word as well. These are the ones I found.
Stanza one:
"tales" in place of tails, "stare" in place of stair, and a comma between "me" and "grey".
Stanza two:
"bound" instead of binded
Stanza three:
"i" should be capitalized (always)
Stanza four:
"past" should be passed, comma between "halls" and "the dead", "wonder" or "wander" (I believe you are referring to moving about and not thinking, so, "wander" would be correct), "i" again, and finally this, though it is only from my personal view, for it can be either, "her eyes will be the future" or "her eyes are the future", (since her eyes are already the way you described them.)
I will also add, that I appreciate the style of your writing, in that it is simple to read and comprehend, using everyday words, which is my standard style also.
I hope you will accept this critique in the context it is offered.
Happy writing
AT
Since "Honest Critique" was selected, I offer the follow observations. Since you obviously care about grammar and the use of punctuation in your writing, I felt it may also carryover to using the proper word as well. These are the ones I found.
Stanza one:
"tales" in place of tails, "stare" in place of stair, and a comma between "me" and "grey".
Stanza two:
"bound" instead of binded
Stanza three:
"i" should be capitalized (always)
Stanza four:
"past" should be passed, comma between "halls" and "the dead", "wonder" or "wander" (I believe you are referring to moving about and not thinking, so, "wander" would be correct), "i" again, and finally this, though it is only from my personal view, for it can be either, "her eyes will be the future" or "her eyes are the future", (since her eyes are already the way you described them.)
I will also add, that I appreciate the style of your writing, in that it is simple to read and comprehend, using everyday words, which is my standard style also.
I hope you will accept this critique in the context it is offered.
Happy writing
AT
29th Jan 2018 00:04am
Hey, thank you for your feedback and for pointing those mistakes out to me I always prefer someone to give me a heads up with things like that, I was slightly hung over when i wrote this tbf.
I'm glad you enjoyed reading it and thanks again for your feedback much appreciated.
Crow
I'm glad you enjoyed reading it and thanks again for your feedback much appreciated.
Crow
Anonymous
30th Jan 2018 4:25am
<< post removed >>
1st Feb 2018 8:27pm
3rd Feb 2018 9:15pm
Thanks for you feedback mate, it was just an idea that was rolling around in my head I didn't work on it as much as my some of my other stuff.
Anonymous
6th Mar 2018 11:22pm
regardless of the previous comments,
love`d the title,
the theme was quite
unexpected.
Enjoyed
