Trying to stay clean

Hello guys.
Wishing you all the best.
It has been some time since I last wrote here.
Last time I wrote here was when I was in the army, and a crystal meth addict.
Right now I'm in the Netherlands, studying European Law.
Yet I am still an addict.
Even though around three weeks have passed since I last used, I most certainly booked my way home soon, and thereby back to base with more of my baby.
Anyhow, poetry is one of the best remedies for the mind and heart.
Enjoy, my inner dialogue.
I wanna see who feels like me, or can relate.
You know, we can actually help each other!


First of all, I have to admit that there is an overwhelming feeling of freedom that tingles my body every morning as I wake up.
I feel it looming around the corner of my head, each and every day poking at my tired body, to such an extent where as time passes, I kind of feel less dreadful about myself..
Perhaps it is trying to break my walls down, trying to slither inside me, in an effort to calm me down, by letting me know that there is still hope of salvation and peace of mind.
Is this the reason why I do not engage into conversations as much these days?
Does this perhaps display a change of heart?
 Is it because I finally understood that there is more to life than the immediate solution, or as far as happiness is concerned, the immediate, long-lasting pleasure associated with my beloved but deadly poison, crystal hell?

You got that right bitch, the itch in my head will never go away.
 The answers to all my questions don’t seem to get simpler, as I daily indulge into time-wasting dilemmas regarding matters where the answer, in the past, would have been already carved in front of my eyes.
My vision of her, will pierce you to pieces.
In fact, nowadays, I am not really sure about being able to face the consequences of an immediate pleasure-seeking act.

Consequence is a big, versatile word, and it is hitting me hard right now. Pounding in my chest is a heart, that had faced numerous consequences due to abnormal complications restricting its ‘’ideal’’ functionality, while my previously chemically infested, at the moment dopamine starved brain, is trying hard to let go of the past, in an effort to wipe that down-to-earth frown upon my face.

 If it means anything, to anyone, anymore, I am sorry for hurting all of you, but more importantly, I am sorry to myself for hurting me to such a large extent.

But is the damage reversible?

I certainly hope it is.
In fact, I implore that it is, because I am feeling that I have lost some of my intelligence.
But damn! I keep thinking of the rush she kept supplying me with, and mentally drool, as if I visualize the most breathtaking woman in the world right before my eyes, taunting me to give her my best shot.
I guess the deeper it gets inside your veins the harder it is to forget about it…

What were you thinking man?

Did you really believe that you could cheat and lie your way out of it like every time?
 What about the consequences?
What about the fucking consequences that perplex you into a state of not being able to accept freedom inside, when she keeps knocking at your door every morning?

The other word I think about , which is directly connected to the word consequence, is compromise.
 I have compromised countless promises during the years that passed, and consequently I am starting to believe that there is no moral value I would not accept to compromise in order to get something I desire deeply.
Scary ain’t it?
 But we are all like that.
Our souls are a long way from being cleansed, since we all seem unable to compromise our so called ‘’logic’’ and thereby understand the bigger picture that hides behind our ‘’egos’’..
I have compromised many unsuspecting minds to an extent where I was orchestrating their responses and feelings, sort of like grooming their character into something that responds to, and obeys me.
I have disregarded feelings , realities and consequences , all for my own personal pleasure , as I was quite sure I could find a way to compromise the outcome into something ‘’seemingly’’ favorable for the person having to deal with me, and undeniably favorable to me.  
However, the biggest concern was that I was rarely willing to compromise my plans for somebody else, except when I could capitalize on the fact that I had compromised an event of importance, or for simplicity ‘’my time’’ to be there ‘’for him/her’’ , and thereby enable my self to ask for a favor in exchange, or tighten my psychological ‘’grip’’ around any given person,friend or girlfriend.

It is without a doubt, that this subtle manipulation and compromise of people, feelings and situations, made me feel like I was a step ahead of most.
The same action in fact, provided me with a false sense of power-fueled pride.
The ride..
Fighting for rights.
You are lost, inside yourself, kid.
 
Nowadays however, I do not feel that proud of myself..
Actually, I may be deliberately trying to avoid people that are new in my life in an effort to stop this tendency of subtly compromising their inner desires, or authority , for instance.

I am increasingly starting to realize that I cannot compromise and extinguish the source of my sadness without having to invest into a lot of hard work for it.
You know what?
I am okay with it.
This is my consequence.