deepundergroundpoetry.com
Big-picture people
It was somewhere in between
the desire to create
the Next Big Thing
and the struggle
to breathe until nightfall
that we realized we had lost
the puzzle to solve
amidst the pieces.
the desire to create
the Next Big Thing
and the struggle
to breathe until nightfall
that we realized we had lost
the puzzle to solve
amidst the pieces.
Published 28th Sep 2011
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
...you nearly had it baby.
There is a problem with the way this poem divides twice.
The initial 'between' and then the final 'amidst' almost seem to break the spell somehow, as the reader is not sure what the picture is...
Useless comment really, so feel free to burn effigies :-)
(And now I see someone has put it on a reading list, so perhaps the fault lies with me...)
H.
There is a problem with the way this poem divides twice.
The initial 'between' and then the final 'amidst' almost seem to break the spell somehow, as the reader is not sure what the picture is...
Useless comment really, so feel free to burn effigies :-)
(And now I see someone has put it on a reading list, so perhaps the fault lies with me...)
H.
28th Sep 2011 3:15pm
No no, I'm always open to constructive crit. Care to expand on your thought? I'm not sure I follow. You mean it may work better as a 3-2-3 line structure rather than 1-2-2-2-1?
29th Sep 2011 10:55pm
Sorry Mike...poor form to leave you hanging.
What I'm getting at is twice using a word that means "to divide"....seems to confuse the read somehow...not even sure I can explain what it is that jars ever-so-slightly...and again, others seem to like it as-is so feel free to accept I'm a whining bastard and leave it at that :-)
I wouldn't normally mention such a tiny point, but you've built a jewel, and jewel needs the finest polish to work...
H.
What I'm getting at is twice using a word that means "to divide"....seems to confuse the read somehow...not even sure I can explain what it is that jars ever-so-slightly...and again, others seem to like it as-is so feel free to accept I'm a whining bastard and leave it at that :-)
I wouldn't normally mention such a tiny point, but you've built a jewel, and jewel needs the finest polish to work...
H.
30th Sep 2011 1:28am
Haha, stop undermining your own point. I see what you mean, though I don't know how I'd fix it without changing the meaning of the piece... I'm not sure it's worth changing though, as the first "division" refers specifically to L2-3 and 3-4, and the second refers to L6-8. I'll think on it, and if you have any suggestions you let me know, otherwise it'll probably stay as-is for lack of a better means of expression. Thanks a lot though for taking the time to explain that, I'll avoid building those cracks into my next construction.
