deepundergroundpoetry.com
The In-between
My lovely
The paintings I listen to
Whilst nodding off
Cornering myself again
In the depth of mind
Standing on the edge
Of a blade I made
From our past conjoined
The little thoughts I saved
The sadness engraved
With your lovely face
Gave me a cold-sweat
My frail soul pondered
In depressive episodes
Of self-torturing passions
My heart shadowboxing
In weary, tired reflections
When I bade farewell
The moment was still
Still as ice in midwinter
Watching the dying skylines
I looked to you
Some longings unfulfilled
Some words were stillborn
In the awkward silence
That filled the space
Between I love you
And I hate you.
My memory
The paintings I listen to
Whilst nodding off
Cornering myself again
In the depth of mind
Standing on the edge
Of a blade I made
From our past conjoined
The little thoughts I saved
The sadness engraved
With your lovely face
Gave me a cold-sweat
My frail soul pondered
In depressive episodes
Of self-torturing passions
My heart shadowboxing
In weary, tired reflections
When I bade farewell
The moment was still
Still as ice in midwinter
Watching the dying skylines
I looked to you
Some longings unfulfilled
Some words were stillborn
In the awkward silence
That filled the space
Between I love you
And I hate you.
My memory
Published 1st Jan 2018
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The author encourages honest critique.
1st Jan 2018 8:55am
1st Jan 2018 9:00am
I'm glad you thought so, actually that was the initial ideal for this poem, I found an old poem I wanted to finish and this was the result.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, truly I appreciate.
~anonshadow
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, truly I appreciate.
~anonshadow
1st Jan 2018 1:50pm
there is one comma in the poem and a full stop at the end,
a blade conjoined little thoughts, dose not make sense
some words were still born, words are not still born
the middle part of your poem, is full of athletic cliche`
over all the poem dose have a few good lines,
(the paintings i listen to), (watching the dying skylines)
a blade conjoined little thoughts, dose not make sense
some words were still born, words are not still born
the middle part of your poem, is full of athletic cliche`
over all the poem dose have a few good lines,
(the paintings i listen to), (watching the dying skylines)
2nd Jan 2018 9:46am
*Does not make sense *Does have a few good lines
Please learn to spell, it's does not dose.
These lines that you say make no sense are metaphors, the metaphor behind stillborn words is simply not being able to speak, being speechless.
The blade made from pasts conjoined is about two people who have equally troubled pasts coming together and in the end hurting each other, thus the blade is made.
Of course at face value it makes no sense, at face value listening to a painting makes no sense, I don't personally get how you understood some metaphors while other made no sense to you.
Constructive criticism helps one get better however I find little about your comment constructive.
I agree that the middle has a lot of cliché's that'd be the one point I would agree with, honestly I think the whole poem is a little cliché.
The punctuation is that way for a reason, it isn't proper but I punctate only for the purpose of setting the flow of the poem, I don't feel that the end of a stanza really needs a period. I do punctuate properly when writing stories but I do not in poems of this nature, many poets do this, though, technically it is a fair point and I understand the criticism and I appreciate it.
Thanks all the same though, I appreciate ya.
~anonshadow
Please learn to spell, it's does not dose.
These lines that you say make no sense are metaphors, the metaphor behind stillborn words is simply not being able to speak, being speechless.
The blade made from pasts conjoined is about two people who have equally troubled pasts coming together and in the end hurting each other, thus the blade is made.
Of course at face value it makes no sense, at face value listening to a painting makes no sense, I don't personally get how you understood some metaphors while other made no sense to you.
Constructive criticism helps one get better however I find little about your comment constructive.
I agree that the middle has a lot of cliché's that'd be the one point I would agree with, honestly I think the whole poem is a little cliché.
The punctuation is that way for a reason, it isn't proper but I punctate only for the purpose of setting the flow of the poem, I don't feel that the end of a stanza really needs a period. I do punctuate properly when writing stories but I do not in poems of this nature, many poets do this, though, technically it is a fair point and I understand the criticism and I appreciate it.
Thanks all the same though, I appreciate ya.
~anonshadow
1st Jan 2018 5:33pm
"Watching the dying skylines
I looked to you
Some longings unfulfilled
Some words were stillborn"
^ relatable
I looked to you
Some longings unfulfilled
Some words were stillborn"
^ relatable
2nd Jan 2018 9:48am
Painful isn't it? Those words hold a lot of misery behind them, a lot of regret, I'm only sorry to know you relate though I hope it helps to know you're not in solitude when it comes to those pains and regrets. I appreciate you taking the time to read, brother.
~anonshadow
~anonshadow
