deepundergroundpoetry.com
Smother
absence of emotion, eyes upon the leaves
shaking as displeased birds rummage through
their final stages. I will not say "dying"
though a vacant shudder is all the end will be.
shaking as displeased birds rummage through
their final stages. I will not say "dying"
though a vacant shudder is all the end will be.
Published 23rd Sep 2011
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likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 4
reads 1034
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
24th Sep 2011 5:47pm
Simple, effective imagery paired with well placed words... You really get your mood across to the reader. Im enjoying your rhythm, Kameron, which is pretty rare in most writing I come across. Thank you.
My only suggestions would be some small spacing/punctuation adjustments. Of course, this is only how I read it, so you may have a different flow intended.
absence of emotion, eyes upon the leaves...
shaking as
displeased birds
rummage
through their final stages.
I will not say "dying"
though
a vacant shudder
is all the end will be.
My only suggestions would be some small spacing/punctuation adjustments. Of course, this is only how I read it, so you may have a different flow intended.
absence of emotion, eyes upon the leaves...
shaking as
displeased birds
rummage
through their final stages.
I will not say "dying"
though
a vacant shudder
is all the end will be.
24th Sep 2011 6:33pm
Much appreciated.
Foremost, no specific flow was intended.
It held an:
11
9
11
11
syllable construct.
It is meant to be placed that way and read how the reader reads it.
Thank you for stopping by, and for your feedback.
Hopefully this will explain why I like this presentation of it better.
And don't think I didn't take yours in to consideration!
Foremost, no specific flow was intended.
It held an:
11
9
11
11
syllable construct.
It is meant to be placed that way and read how the reader reads it.
Thank you for stopping by, and for your feedback.
Hopefully this will explain why I like this presentation of it better.
And don't think I didn't take yours in to consideration!
27th Sep 2011 00:28am
I like this one. I'm not a fan of contradicting previous constructive crit, but I like how the flat, simple structure adds to the piece's nihilistic, slap-to-the-face honest feel.
15th Feb 2013 5:05pm
the words you used were expressive, and i actually really liked its form
