The Cleansing

The Cleansing

The pain is real; I feel it breathing inside me every single day.
My soul is under siege and slowly beginning to fray.
No one likes to admit that they have a problem.
No one likes to admit that their heart is as corrupt as Sodom.
Not everyone can feel the demon gnawing away at them!
Not everyone can admit that inside they're numb.
Not everyone can come clean about their sin.
Not everyone knows how to force a fake grin.
No one truly understands the trouble they are in being so far down.
Not too many people survive dwelling in the devil's playground.

I am not one of them.
I'm here to be real with you and then some.
I'm here to confess my sins and expose my flaws.
I'm ready to live my life for a more noble cause.

A demon is attached to me slowing draining me of my life,
pushing me closer and closer to the knife.
The pain I feel every day cannot be described in words.
The price I have already paid to fund my invisible war is more than anyone can afford.
My decision to carry on day after day brings a heavy toll.
I wish I could tell you that I'm in firm control.
Unfortunately, the fiend inside me has more control than I.
Unfortunately for him, I'm not yet ready to say goodbye!

The war has been going strong for ten long years.
It has left me a shell of my former self, a shell consumed by fear.
Anxiety controls my chaotic thoughts at night!
Fear eats away at my desire to fight!
A cruel numbness cripples me and drags me further away from the light!
Nothing about me seems alright!

I want to cry and express my pain but my tear ducts have been destroyed.
All I have left in me is a giant fucking void!
My heart aches with every fucking beat.
My soul cries out certain it has been beat.
No one should ever have to endure this kind of pain.
No one should have to experience the twisted thoughts that run through my brain.
No one should have to life their life being tormented by a demon.
This is no mental illness that can be cured with treatment.
No, this is a spiritual attack, an invisible war.
Just getting out of bed every morning is a giant chore.

I feel bad for the person I have become as a result of this war.
I feel no better than a back-door crack whore.
I lash out at the one I love the most.
I act like I'm a parasite and she's my host.
I latch on to her and suck her dry.
I am quickly becoming a bad guy.
I trust her yet act like I don't.
I promise her I will get my shit under control knowing full well I won't.
I want to get myself together fast but don't have a clue how.
I would give anything to make that happen now.
I know I'm accepted and loved by many,
yet I feel like I'm more worth less than a penny.
I long for acceptance and love.
I long to feel like I'm worth it to you.

Thoughts on anger consume my mind.
My thoughts are never very kind.
I'm pissed off at the past and can't seem to let it go.
I've completely stopped evolving and can't seem to grow.
My past is bad and I can't find a way to let it all go.
Fighting an unwinnable war is never easy I know.

I'm angry about past job experiences and getting screwed over in them.
I'm angry of being constantly cheated on by my first love.
I'm angry I wasted over two years of my life on the bitch.
I'm angry I can't get over all the pain she inflicted onto me and just leave it all behind in a ditch.
I'm angry I've failed at so many things.
I'm angry I'm struggling to advance in life.
I'm angry I can't seem to earn anyone's respect.
I'm angry that no matter what I do, it's never viewed as being good enough.
I'm angry I've distanced myself and pushed away a lot of friends.
I'm angry I'm pushing away my family now.
I'm angry my own family didn't approve of my first book because it was too dark.
I'm angry I'm viewed as the black sheep of my family.
I'm the only one who's a goddamn metal head,
not a goddamn conservative,
A goddamn open minded independent,
not a goddamn slave to the masses,
and a goddamn hero for still being alive today!

I'm the realest motherfucker alive and yet I keep it all inside,
Except for when I pick up a pen...I let it all out, now that's not a lie.
I feel weak and powerless but I'm still strong willed.
Myself I'm trying to rediscover and a new person I'm trying hard to build.

I'm sorry for all the bad I have done in my life.
I'm sorry I don't follow your beliefs and live with the one I love without her being my wife.
I'm sorry I'm closed off to the world and can't function like a normal person.
I'm sorry I'm not a devout church attendee and follow along with every sermon
even though I should because I always feel better after listening to a wise man speak.
After his sermons are the only time I don't feel like a weird old freak.
It's the only time I don't criticize my physique
and the only time my soul doesn't want to let out a loud, deranged shriek.
I'm sorry to all the people I have hurt during my downward spiral.
I'm hoping one day I can end this miserable cycle.
I'm sorry I can't overcome my enemy and regain control of myself.
I'm sorry I never leave anyone's life with a proper farewell.  

I'm here today trying to make amends with myself and with the rest of you.
I'm here today because I want to start over new.
I'm here today because I want to let go of all my hate.
I'm here today because I want to change my fate.
I'm here today to bury my past and to move forward with my life.
I'm here today to tell you that I do intend to one day take you as my wife.
I'm here today to expose my inner demon and show you it's real.
I'm here today to tell you just how I feel
because tomorrow is not guaranteed and I don't want to go to the grave with any regrets.
I don't want to leave here with any unpaid debts.