Heavy Rain

Heavy Rain

The alarm blasts out my ear drums at eight in the fucking morning.
I’m never ready for it no matter how much of a warning
I give myself the night before.
Getting my ass out of bed is always a damn chore.
My body always aches, the bed is always comfortable, I just want to lie in it all day and die,
yet I always manage to get up and on with my life, always fighting back tears since life’s a bitch and always tries to get me to cry.

I look over to my right and see your sleeping body lying next to me.
Who the hell are you and how did your sleeping body lying next to me come to be?
My head is pounding; I don’t remember a damn thing from last night.
Your presence here means we both did something not very bright.
I can see it now I will get a phone call one day soon,
probably on my lunch break, so around noon.

“Hey Ben just calling to let you know I’m pregnant and you’re the father!
I hope you’re excited since you couldn’t wrap it up and planted in me a daughter
that you probably won’t help me to fucking raise since you’re an immature asshole who does nothing but drink.
I bet you stick your dick in every hole you drunkenly find, well every hole that’s pink.
I’m going to drain you of every penny you make in child support.
I take it the next time I’m going to see you is in court.
At least they will make you be responsible for your actions.
Please try to be a positive influence for your child and not become a distraction.
Show her how to be an adult and not like a child.
It’s time to grow up Ben and stop acting so wild.”

I shiver at the thought of becoming a father as I crawl out of bed.
I make my way into the bathroom, my eyes are droopy, I look tired, no dead.
I wash my face and pop a few pills, anything to stop the annoying voices taunting me in my head.
I swear every day I get closer to losing it, I swear my face turns a little more red.
Every decision I make seems to be a bad one and negativity I can’t seem to shake.
Why was I born a poor miserable person?  Couldn’t I have at least been born a snake?
Snakes at least don’t feel human emotions and are cold to the world around them.
Everything I do is wrong and the world around me can’t help but condemn.

I need to get ready for work but I hate my fucking job.
I would rather be lynched by a racist mob
then spend a second slaving away that shit hole.
Finding a better job as soon as possible is my main goal,
 but one I find difficult to accomplish since I can’t focus long enough to fill out a job application.
My mind wonders constantly and I swear it at times has me convinced my bad decisions will soon lead to castration.
I use woman to satisfy my own desires using no protection and risking disease.
I believe karma is trying to force me to my knees,
force me to beg for forgiveness for all the bad I have done,
and plans to punish me with a disease and an unwanted son.

I enter the shower and turn the water on nice and hot.
My back is full of knots that ache constantly, a direct result of the war that’s constantly fought,
a war I cannot see but can surely feel.
Some days the inner pain I feel hurts so bad I want to squeal.
It feels like a demon is attached to me and slowly draining me of my life.
I doubt at this pace I’m ever going to get to meet my wife.
No one wants to be in a relationship with a conflicted low life who hates everything around him.
The world I see every day is so damn grim.
I would give anything for one little piece of positivity,
one little piece of Heaven to show me I’m not alone in this fight.

Now downstairs I’m heading for the front door to leave for work.
I’m leaving that woman sleeping in my bed I really am a jerk.
I hope she doesn’t go crazy and destroy all of my shit for just leaving like this.
When she finally awakes, she’s going to really be pissed.
Nothing I can do about it; I need to get to work.
I know, I’ll leave her a note apologizing for leaving and explain I have to go to work and sign it with my name, Ben Burke.
At least I won’t leave without saying a word.
Now that I’m thinking about it, my decision making really is absurd.

I open the front door and step outside to find it raining hard.
It seems to always be raining, at least on my yard.
I wish I could shake rain, it’s so depressing that’s all I see.
The only thing this much water is good for is growing the trees.