O.M.G.

 
 
Last night I had a visit
From the Virgin Mary
I didn’t know she was
Actually a penguin
She asked me for
Some cod and a
Tuna milkshake
With garlic croutons
 
She then spoke in
Penguineese thankfully
I had done this at Uni
And I was fluent in it
She was looking for
A rape crisis hostel
As God Had raped her
She wasn’t happy
 
She told me that the  
Baby Jesus was also
Not happy as he could
Not walk on water
Because of the holes
In his feet and he could  
No longer play hide and  
Seek as he can see through  
The holes in his hands and
He always wins
 
Suddenly he appeared
Strangely, he was not
A penguin like his mom
He was a benobo chimp
In a white tuxedo and
1920’s spats, dapper
With his magic cane
He turned wine into water
Ate 5 fish, 2 loaves
And said “Fuck you all!”
 
At that point God arrived
A large water buffalo  
In sneaker stilettos  
And a pink raffia hat
Penguin Mary cried
Jesus said “Hi Dad”
God snorted and  
Licked his own ass
He said “I have something
Important to tell you.”
“I am not your father”
It was the inn-keeper
In a white bed sheet.”
 
“Fuck! I got crucified for
No good reason, shit I died
For nothing why? God, Why?”
“Well you weren’t my Son
And I found it entertaining.”
I was getting really bored
I told them I didn’t believe
In any of them at that point
They morphed into humans
Wearing nazi uniforms
And goose stepped through
The open window
Last time I eat so much  
Cheese before bedtime