deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Final Beat
Sitting in the cold darkness shadows surrounding me only one escape only one way to get away from it all. I take the blade in hand. I stare at the cold sharp steel I raise it to my arm and with one swift motion the blade goes red.
I sit and watch the blood drip from the blade and my arm, I can feel my heart slowing with every beat it gets weaker and weaker slowly taking me to the burning ring of hell where I belong.
Hell is the only place self centered emotionless assholes like my self belong. Hell is where I will be punished for all the shit I have done. Hell is where I belong because in hell every one is an emotionless asshole and no one cares bout anyone but them selves just like me.
Beat five more, beat four, beat three, beat two, beat one, beat welcome to hell.
I sit and watch the blood drip from the blade and my arm, I can feel my heart slowing with every beat it gets weaker and weaker slowly taking me to the burning ring of hell where I belong.
Hell is the only place self centered emotionless assholes like my self belong. Hell is where I will be punished for all the shit I have done. Hell is where I belong because in hell every one is an emotionless asshole and no one cares bout anyone but them selves just like me.
Beat five more, beat four, beat three, beat two, beat one, beat welcome to hell.
Published 21st Sep 2011
| Edited 5th Jun 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
21st Sep 2011 2:03pm
For me, the biggest difficulty I had was punctuation. I found myself re-reading some of your sentences. I understand if that's your style. I also feel like this is a generic version of emo; like it's what you think you should say. I don't feel like I have enough there to really go along with you. I want, as a reader, to be grabbed and dragged kicking and screaming through your images. I think you can do it and this, honestly, isn't it for me.
Try writing what's in your soul, burning to get out. Take no notice of personal conventions and write with absolute ignorance of ego-- lay yourself-- your real self out there. It is then that you will strike your reader in a way that leaves a mark.
Try writing what's in your soul, burning to get out. Take no notice of personal conventions and write with absolute ignorance of ego-- lay yourself-- your real self out there. It is then that you will strike your reader in a way that leaves a mark.
21st Sep 2011 8:02pm
thanks for the feedback I want to know what people really think of my writings so that I can figure out what and how I need improving so thank you for the honest feedback
28th Mar 2012 11:07pm
Great beginning, great middle, and great ending!!!!!!!!!!! It showed the feelings involved so well!!!!!!!!!!!
23rd Feb 2013 4:25pm
