When Dawn Comes

The repeating lines make me feel like you ran out of things to say. Errors like "round" and "then" discredit you a bit, and again, this is like something you think you should be saying. I want to know "why." I want to know exactly, second by second, how do you really feel? Answer those questions and I think you might have something.

Don't be afraid to play in free verse too; some of us find rhyme to be restraining. Not that I'm telling you not to, but explore everything.

The reason that I repeated lines is because its a type of poetry called veville the lines that I repeat are so post to repeat. And this is me telling how my prepie snoob family treats me. In this poem I tell my audience how I'm treated with out coming right out and saying it. And on the errors I used round because with the poetry type I use every line has ten syllable and around is two and would have made that line 11 instead of the needed ten.

I understand; thanks for the explanation.

no problem happy to help clear things up

....a poem comes along that sets a new benchmark in the number of cliches that can be bolted into a poem....and here is another one.

You have used a whole bunch of lines we have all heard and seen before, and this will always kill a write. Find your own voice and way of expressing things, a new way of working your experiences...

Examples;

My life is a wreck how do I push on
They push me to the edge I will not fall
I cant take much more will I live till Dawn


I do what I am told Im just a pawn
Pushed round the board I have no choice at all
My life is a wreck how do I push on


They try and crush my love Please make them gone
They tear apart my soul Please someone call
I cant take much more will I live till Dawn


They hide me from all just like a prized fawn
They join to attack I cant take them all
My life is a wreck how do I push on


My strength is fleeting
faster then the dawn
I cant take much more
No matter what they do I still push on
Even when I crawl they hate me most of all
My life is a wreck
how do I push on
I cant take much more


8 cliche lines in two verses...no-one can pull this off and still get a write that the reader is interested in reading.

Bang out another one, and let's hear your voice...looking forward to it.

H.