deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dancing with death
Let me hold your darkest endeavors
Attempting to infiltrate your corrupted mind
Where I try to comply
No. To attempt to comprehend
Why you danced with death
Why you convinced yourself
Your better off dead
Placing your hand firmly on the trigger
No. Trembling as you aim on the side of your head
Sweat gleaming, heart racing faster
And faster as you
Contemplate life -
Helplessly searching for that reason
For hesitation.
Hesitant to find anything
That life is worth living
Your surroundings gone
Just you and that gun
No. I dont Want to... *Click
Time stops
Your mind wanders
Your heart shatters
The gun jams
And reality hits you
like the bullet that should of.
Attempting to infiltrate your corrupted mind
Where I try to comply
No. To attempt to comprehend
Why you danced with death
Why you convinced yourself
Your better off dead
Placing your hand firmly on the trigger
No. Trembling as you aim on the side of your head
Sweat gleaming, heart racing faster
And faster as you
Contemplate life -
Helplessly searching for that reason
For hesitation.
Hesitant to find anything
That life is worth living
Your surroundings gone
Just you and that gun
No. I dont Want to... *Click
Time stops
Your mind wanders
Your heart shatters
The gun jams
And reality hits you
like the bullet that should of.
Published 3rd Dec 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 2
comments 7
reads 778
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
3rd Dec 2017 1:45pm
Intense write
i feel the twitch of a finger the whole time in the back of my mind when i'm reading this
the short end of the straw drawn or the long one depending on how you feel that day
that opening line grabs on and doesn't let go with "Let me hold your darkest endeavors"
"Why you danced with death"- i imagine the graveyard from the live action Adams family movie in my head with all the awesome tombstones
hand on the trigger it all becomes surreal
the heart rate picking up pace as we read on
the pull
and the jam
now where to go from here....
it's a flash not for the faint at heart.
excellent write and feelings Purplekc
for an honest critique i'd say add a few line breaks so it's easier on the eyes and builds up the suspense
great job
i feel the twitch of a finger the whole time in the back of my mind when i'm reading this
the short end of the straw drawn or the long one depending on how you feel that day
that opening line grabs on and doesn't let go with "Let me hold your darkest endeavors"
"Why you danced with death"- i imagine the graveyard from the live action Adams family movie in my head with all the awesome tombstones
hand on the trigger it all becomes surreal
the heart rate picking up pace as we read on
the pull
and the jam
now where to go from here....
it's a flash not for the faint at heart.
excellent write and feelings Purplekc
for an honest critique i'd say add a few line breaks so it's easier on the eyes and builds up the suspense
great job
3rd Dec 2017 1:49pm
Thanks so much I was super nervous submitting. I really appreciate your honesty. ❤️
3rd Dec 2017 1:51pm
going public with personal poetry can be a big deal emotionally , so thank you for sharing with us.
3rd Dec 2017 6:05pm
insanely intense write
that made my heart drop
all the way until that final click
& the gun jams..
welcome to DU dearest poetess..
love Crim
that made my heart drop
all the way until that final click
& the gun jams..
welcome to DU dearest poetess..
love Crim
3rd Dec 2017 6:06pm
3rd Dec 2017 9:36pm
4th Dec 2017 5:14pm
