The Ballad of Joe the Schmoe

This is the ballad of Joe, the Schmoe,
the guy who invented the wheel.
A caveman who lived in caveman times
who just wanted a decent meal.

Oh, Joe the Schmoe lived high on a hill,
in a cave with his dog and wife fair.
And every day he had to walk
down the hill, 'cause he had no way there.

Joe had to hunt, as every man did
for his food and bring it back home.
But it took him so long to return to the cave
that his wife made him sleep alone.

"It takes you so long", his wife would complain,
"for the meat to get up to the cave.
I'd rather smell feet, than eat up some meat
that's been out in the sun all day!"

Oh Joe felt sad, he felt oh so poor,
so he went out to see his friend, Jim.
And when he got there, he knocked on the door
and his friend called out, "Come on in!"

"I'm out in the workshop.  Join me if you like.
I doubt that I'll be that long.
I've just thought up an amazing idea!",
and he whistled a happy song.

"Don't you think it's tiresome
to lug all your trophies back home?
I'm building a platform to drag them back,
keep the weight off my shoulders alone!"

'Ol Joe the Schmoe took a look at the thing,
and he cried, "That will not help!
You still have to haul the thing after you,
and it's heavier than a sabre-toothed elk!"

Young Jim frowned a frown, looked shocked and perplexed.
He scanned it from high to low.
Then he turned his eyes to his friend and said,
"Got a better idea, Joe?"

Joe closed his eyes, and thought it a bit.
How could they put it to work?
Being the guy who made hunting simple
would certainly be a perk.

Then suddenly, he had it.  "I've got it!", he screamed.
He jumped up, and landed on Jim's toe.
"Sorry pal.", he sheepishly said to his chum.
""We can mount up some logs below!"

"When the platform moves, the logs will roll,
and hold the weight of the load!
They'll also move behind you,
as you walk along the road!"

They worked through the day, and Joe went home that night
with a thing called a "wagon" to show
his wife, so fair, this strange thing built
by Jim, and Joe the Schmoe.

Needless to say, she was impressed,
and kissed him all over his face.
And all Joe could do was smile and think,
"I'm gonna be runnin' this place!"

The very next day, he left his cave,
so happy to be trying his wheels.
And all the "rock" musicians in the neanderthal world
could not have described how he feeled.  :P

He got on his wagon and began his descent,
with a smile that really showed
how happy he was, and showing off the cause
was a thrill for Joe the Schmoe.

But his smile soon reversed, as he found with dismay
that it moved him downhill with great speed.
It barrelled, no stops, with it's cargo on top,
and it schmucked poor Joe into a tree.

The funeral was small, yet many attended
to mourn with the widow fair.
And many were shocked that the lord of the tribe
had made his presence known there.

Their leader stood tall, hands held up high,
and a hush fell over the crowd.
He stopped and glanced around the throng,
and began to address them aloud.

He said, with much pain, "Poor Joe was slain
by a contraption that he did make.
Though I'm sorry, please obey.  No more wheels 'til the day
that someone invents the brake."

This was the ballad of Joe, the Schmoe,
the guy who invented the wheel.
A caveman who lived in caveman times
who just wanted a decent meal.