I need a new method

she who does not know me, will judge me.  
not just for the way I look but for my movements and brain functions.  
there's something wrong with me  
she says I will hurt you again  
"The hell does she know" I think and then quickly retract that statement like a scared turtle  
I know I won't hurt you again, no one else will see that, the reason for that falls at my feet  
the reason you told whoever that it was just because you wanted some pussy  
thats why you saw me  
because I'm pussy  
nothing will be said about it though  
And if brought up,  I will just hide away in my shell because I'm a pussy.  
see with most things id like to pretend they don't exist, much like spiders and other stupid creepy crawlies  
they always pop up somewhere though, and remind me, screaming " hey mother fucker I still exist!"  
much like my problems.  
I learned to push my problems all the way down my esophagus, passed my stomach and out my ass. now I learned that from my mother.  
I also learned from her that lying would be the best method of getting you through life and yet here I am.  
still in the hole I dug myself years ago.
I learned from my dad that girls will always be seen as a sex icon to men, I learned that because I watched him go through multiple women in my childhood, none of them he cared about.  
none of them he cared about more than alcohol and he especially didn't care more about me than alcohol.  
I learned from him that dousing your problems with vodka is the most common route to go, so I tried that.  
I used that route for 4 years straight, day in day out.  
And how I yearn to use that method now, now that I'm just a piece of pussy to you.  
you're lying to yourself, you could fuck anyone but why me and why not the truth  
oh right that always comes back on me which is painfully the right way to go. because this is and always will be a problem I'll have to handle the normal way.  
I can't go to my mother's method of lying her way through life and I can't go through my father's method of drinking himself dry.  
so how do i deal with a problem I've never had the guts to confront.