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Lost & Delirious
"I think we should just be friends-- It'll be better for us."
These words cut through the air and slice me, cutting me deeply in the heart. I stare at the girl in front of me through my dyed black hair, she couldn't be seriously doing this-- After everything she was really going to end everything just like that.
"B-but I love you."
She doesn't believe me and looks away, she's wearing my hoodie-- How dare she end our love and still wear my hoodie. I can't be her friend if she does this to me, I can't be anything except gone. I want to die right now as I stand in front of her, my feet are mounted to the floor, I do not want to move. I feel sick, I want to runaway, I want to hit her and push her and make her feel the pain I'm feeling. I'm crying, blubbering like a baby-- She can't do this to me, can she?
"You've never had a relationship before, you don't know what love is-- I'm your first relationship, so it's harder."
No.
She can't mean this.
She's not making any sense.
She said she loved me.
We laid in my bed and we kissed blissfully and passionately.
I told her I loved her and she loved me.
"Please don't this--"
I stop myself, because I sound so pathetic. This is the worst thing in the entire that ever happen to me, my stomach is in knots, my heart is aching-- digging a hole into my chest with an anxiety attack. I'm shaking, I can't stop shaking-- I feel like I'm going to be sick, oh God don't let this happen-- Please let me wake up from this nightmare and I can text her and everything is okay between us.
"I won't forget anything, how we held hands or how I kissed you or how we just laid in bed all day and just kissed. It's okay, we can still be friends, can't we?"
No.
That's what I'm thinking-- No.
We can't just me friends.
I'm not your friend anymore, I'm your EX-girlfriend as of this moment. I miss you and I want to be yours forever and I can't have you then I don't want anyone.
A. For always, you said always be there for me. And that you'd Always love me.
L. For love because I may be only a teenager but I believe in love at first site and I know that I love you.
E. For extermination of my heart because as soon as I'm done carving your name into my arm I'm going to cut out my heart, my mother's screaming at my from the other room-- Saying that it's not worth it, but she doesn't realize that it is.
X. For Xanax, maybe my shrink we prescribe them for me and I can overdose on them if this knife idea doesn't work-- Which it's not.
I. For intensity because I love you with a great intensity that I can't live without you and if you think that I can then you are mistaken my friend, because I can't. Unless I cut out this pain ridden, broken heart then maybe I can live without you.
S. For suicide because that's my last resort because you left me alone for nothing, you left me with a knife to kill myself with.
"Drop the knife"
The cops are here and so are the EMTs, they're taking me to the hospital because I'm a suicidal basket case, look at what you've done. You've killed me, I'm dead-- I can't do anything, I barely have the strength to pull myself out of the tub and walk out the ambulance.
"Why did you try and kill yourself?"
"Because my girlfriend broke up with me."
"That's not reason to try and kill yourself."
"Yes-- Yes it is actually."
It was the next day and we were walking down the hall you and I.
"Do you hate me?"
You asked me that glancing in my direction.
"I can't hate you, I love you."
You took off running away from me.
And when I asked you to look me in then eye and tell me that you never loved me and that everything between us was a lie.
You couldn't do it.
You loved me.
You love me.
And you came back to me.
You know why?
Because. . .
I never gave up on you, and you were my first and only heart break. And you were my first, my only and my last love.
I love you.
These words cut through the air and slice me, cutting me deeply in the heart. I stare at the girl in front of me through my dyed black hair, she couldn't be seriously doing this-- After everything she was really going to end everything just like that.
"B-but I love you."
She doesn't believe me and looks away, she's wearing my hoodie-- How dare she end our love and still wear my hoodie. I can't be her friend if she does this to me, I can't be anything except gone. I want to die right now as I stand in front of her, my feet are mounted to the floor, I do not want to move. I feel sick, I want to runaway, I want to hit her and push her and make her feel the pain I'm feeling. I'm crying, blubbering like a baby-- She can't do this to me, can she?
"You've never had a relationship before, you don't know what love is-- I'm your first relationship, so it's harder."
No.
She can't mean this.
She's not making any sense.
She said she loved me.
We laid in my bed and we kissed blissfully and passionately.
I told her I loved her and she loved me.
"Please don't this--"
I stop myself, because I sound so pathetic. This is the worst thing in the entire that ever happen to me, my stomach is in knots, my heart is aching-- digging a hole into my chest with an anxiety attack. I'm shaking, I can't stop shaking-- I feel like I'm going to be sick, oh God don't let this happen-- Please let me wake up from this nightmare and I can text her and everything is okay between us.
"I won't forget anything, how we held hands or how I kissed you or how we just laid in bed all day and just kissed. It's okay, we can still be friends, can't we?"
No.
That's what I'm thinking-- No.
We can't just me friends.
I'm not your friend anymore, I'm your EX-girlfriend as of this moment. I miss you and I want to be yours forever and I can't have you then I don't want anyone.
A. For always, you said always be there for me. And that you'd Always love me.
L. For love because I may be only a teenager but I believe in love at first site and I know that I love you.
E. For extermination of my heart because as soon as I'm done carving your name into my arm I'm going to cut out my heart, my mother's screaming at my from the other room-- Saying that it's not worth it, but she doesn't realize that it is.
X. For Xanax, maybe my shrink we prescribe them for me and I can overdose on them if this knife idea doesn't work-- Which it's not.
I. For intensity because I love you with a great intensity that I can't live without you and if you think that I can then you are mistaken my friend, because I can't. Unless I cut out this pain ridden, broken heart then maybe I can live without you.
S. For suicide because that's my last resort because you left me alone for nothing, you left me with a knife to kill myself with.
"Drop the knife"
The cops are here and so are the EMTs, they're taking me to the hospital because I'm a suicidal basket case, look at what you've done. You've killed me, I'm dead-- I can't do anything, I barely have the strength to pull myself out of the tub and walk out the ambulance.
"Why did you try and kill yourself?"
"Because my girlfriend broke up with me."
"That's not reason to try and kill yourself."
"Yes-- Yes it is actually."
It was the next day and we were walking down the hall you and I.
"Do you hate me?"
You asked me that glancing in my direction.
"I can't hate you, I love you."
You took off running away from me.
And when I asked you to look me in then eye and tell me that you never loved me and that everything between us was a lie.
You couldn't do it.
You loved me.
You love me.
And you came back to me.
You know why?
Because. . .
I never gave up on you, and you were my first and only heart break. And you were my first, my only and my last love.
I love you.
Published 13th Sep 2011
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22nd Dec 2011 8:00pm
19th Mar 2012 9:50pm
I've been to this dark place once(minus the cutting etc).She was my first too.
You described it perfectly.
Also I got told the first line recently and I ran through the same feeling.
You described it perfectly.
Also I got told the first line recently and I ran through the same feeling.
