Things I'll Never Say

You really want to know how I feel?  
 Know what's fake and what's real?  
Let's take a trip into my mind and I'll show you things that would make you run and hide.  
 
There's a plethora of pain, anger, and self pity.  
While she acts strong and witty  
Inside she's feeling really fucking shitty.  
She lies awake at night while he sleeps.  
Tries to hold in the tears and not weep.  
You know what? Fuck the rhyming...  
This is how I feel:  
 Every fucking day I wake up disappointed. Not because of anyone else but because of me. That I wake up and this is my body.  
I'm fat as all hell and everyone knows it. I'm a walking.. No.. Wobbling embarrassment.  
I can't see my toes and haven't been able to in three years. Yes there is something I can do about it and I am. But my weight isn't the only problem. I have the greatest guy in the world who moved across the country to be with me. Yet all I fucking feel is shit... Like I'll lay awake some nights and cry. Because I literally feel like he could do so much better. Because I am not any good at voicing my emotions. Because my whole damn life no body has fucking cared. The only thing they've cared about is tearing me down,using me, so and so forth. It's almost impossible for me to open up. It sounds cliché but almost every person who said they'd never leave... Did.  
 I have this voice in my head that will tell me every chance it gets that I am nothing and no one.  That the people who yell at me from their cars as I'm walking on the street are right. I AM a fat cow. I am disgusting. A burden. A waste of good air.  
Don't listen to them you say? It's difficult when you care too much. It's almost damn near impossible when they are shouting out your inner thoughts as if they are mind readers.  
I am suicidal. Although I am not actively trying to kill myself, I more than likely wouldn't fight for my life if I was in danger.
 So many people get offended when you tell them one small bit of what they asked to know. As if your problems have anything to do with them. As if they get the right to make you feel small because you can't control how you feel.  Don't they fucking get that you're hurting enough already? But inside you know they get offended because they care in some weird way. I just wish they didn't have to add guilt to your self hatred.  
When I look in the mirror I want to fucking just punch it till my fists are coated in blood because I hate the thing looking back at me that much. I will sit and point.  out every single flaw on my face. I am filled with envy and self hate. Envy for the girls with the smaller stomachs, thinner arms, nice butts, and tits. Because I am nothing like that.  My body is covered in scars. So incredibly scarred. I have this intense feeling an almost need to destroy my skin. I am pathetic. Pitiful. And a wreck. When I lie awake at night I am just constantly fighting tears. The painful sobs that tear through my chest. I just want to be normal. Not feel like such a freak show, you know? I wish I could talk about my thoughts but I can't. The reason why is simple; people only ask, "What's wrong?" not because they care but because they feel it is the right thing to do.  So when you're starting to say how you feel, slowly letting those flood gates open, they change the subject because they just really do not care.  I am told to stop caring so about what other people think of me all the time. Usually I don't. But lately the sting of they say has really been getting to me.. I just wish I could say all I needed to but I can't. Even just writing this is hard. Because I have kept everything in for so long that it's almost impossible for me to open up to someone. I guess it's easier doing it this way because the people that will read this I won't know your face.