Plural

1/4 of my heart lays in between his fingers where mine used to rest
1/4 of my heart lays in his eyes that never seemed to far ahead
1/4 of my heart lays buried in the crook of his neck
1/4 of my heart is sitting here broken, in the cage in my chest.

Did you know the term, "him," is plural?
Neither did I.
Not until I started blaming, "him."
It's because of... him.
I'm hurt because of... him.
Did I tell you about... him?
Do you know who broke my heart?
Oh. You guessed it! Him.
See at first, it was just one guy.
Then the next
And the next
On and on and on
And my list just kept piling up
And I started to ask myself...
was it me?
No.
Blame HIM.
That's easier.
I started blaming him when I was 12
I'm almost 15 now
And every month or so I have a new him to blame
Each time it gets worse
That one cheated
That one lied
That one stole
That's why I cried
I cried for hours
Days
Weeks
How do you smile
When it's been stolen
Like a string pulling at the corners at my mouth they stayed down
I wasn't strong enough to fight it
Every night I cried
I felt like a puppet
Strings pulling up and down
It's hard to be yourself
When he won't allow it.
My entire life I struggled to stay afloat
The river I cried myself roared with anger
Pushing me this way and that
I had less control over myself than man has over time.
Do you know what it feels like to drift away?
To just lose yourself in a sea of your own stupid decisions
And all I could ever do was
Blame.
Him.
 And it helped me honestly.
Like, the one thing keeping me alive
Was the belief that it wasn't totally my fault.
But it was my fault that I couldn't save myself
And when times got rough I found a new guy to obsess over
And for a little he obsessed over me
And it was so great
I had someone to lean on
Like a boy could make all my problems seem a little less problematic
My mom says I'm boy crazy.
I think
I finally understand why.
Like I don't feel complete without a guy in my life
Isn't that kinda sad?
That's just part of the story of, "him."
And I didn't know that term could be plural.
Not until the first, "him," failed.
Not until the first crack in my heart appeared
Not until I finally realized he was ever going to fix me.
At this point this is less of a poem and more of a rant
So let's make this short and sweet
It was never me.
Not me who could save myself
Not me who could stop the tears
Not me who could start over
Not me who could help myself
It's always been...
Him
But it was never him who tried.