Not Strong Enough

I'm just a ghost of who I once was

surrounded by self righteous sheep searching for a total sense of justice,

but finding nothing 

since it vanished from existence so long ago. 

My thoughts accuse me of being a fool

for thinking I could ever be more than the average person,

and for hoping that one day I could solve the unidentifiable mysteries that haunt me,

and live happily ever after.

But that's just in fairy tales, isn't it?

I spent what was plenty of people's lifetimes 

trying to find the perfect variables to help me become a better person. 

But it was all flawed, because I never took into account my own thoughts

and the demons in my head that would mislead me into thinking I would never be good enough,

and that I should be angry and distant because of it.

All the time I wasted trying to improve for other strangers,

and I couldn't even take a second to care for myself.

I refused to let my walls down, and though I thought I had finally built them out of stone,

my own thoughts kicked them back down like they were nothing more than an anthill,

and I was left lying back at the bottom again,

cheeks moist with tears I had been holding back for far too long.

Because no matter how many times I try to convince myself,

and no matter how long I try to improve,

I will never be strong enough to overcome the thoughts that fill my head,

and tell myself that I am much more than I think I am.