deepundergroundpoetry.com
He Clung To the Echo...
He clung
to the echo of her last word
and waited for her return
Confident at the start
anxious somewhat later
Desperate - yet, still hoping -
long after time stood still for him
Too hard for his feeble mind
to process the countless posibilities
of a whispered "later"...
to the echo of her last word
and waited for her return
Confident at the start
anxious somewhat later
Desperate - yet, still hoping -
long after time stood still for him
Too hard for his feeble mind
to process the countless posibilities
of a whispered "later"...
Published 13th Aug 2017
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
13th Aug 2017 9:30pm
Later can be a truly lethal word under certain circumstances. It just hangs there...and so do we. Well written and perfectly expressed.
13th Aug 2017 11:52pm
You are so right! Our minds conceive time as a procession of moments (minutes, hours, etc.) and 'later' becomes just the next one.
The ambiguity of non-closure is palpable in this.
The only thing I could suggest to honor your request for Honest Critique is to lose "the" in L2 of S4.
The only thing I could suggest to honor your request for Honest Critique is to lose "the" in L2 of S4.
14th Aug 2017 1:34am
I was trying to lose one of the "for"s, but losing that particular "the", seems a good idea, as well. Thank you!
You could also do
"waiting for her return"
though the two "hers" niggle me.
In L3 S1
"waiting for her return"
though the two "hers" niggle me.
In L3 S1
16th Aug 2017 10:32am
17th Aug 2017 10:20am
Thank you for your comment. To tell you the truth, I was going a bit - on another level - for a kind of comic effect.
