Disturbance

I have caused such torment to my own heart and mind, by my own thoughts and actions.
It literally paralyzes my being.
The circus in my brain constantly presenting freakish acts.  A double feature.
Nobody could possibly understand.  My reactions, the symptoms.  The disturbance to my own self.
I question. Did I bring this turmoil upon myself? Was it circumstances beyond my mental control? Was it fate?
As I lie in the sand, I look up. I float into the clouds of Heaven, or is it the hottest flames of Hell.
Taken away by my own senses of ecstasy and misery; of guilt and lust.
I have been too long in the Devil's playground.
I'm too tired to delight there any longer.
I will no longer take part in the games. This is what I tell myself.
But deep down in the archives of my burning soul, I know I will be back at the playground tomorrow.
The taste of this torment is so damn sweet.