The Choices We Make

I don't know where to start.
I don't know where it ends.
I can't escape the pressing darkness.
While two lights tempt me.
Which one do I choose?
Each will save me.
Each will condemn me.
One will burn me
the other will freeze me.
I run from the darkness.
I run from my fate.
I dwell in the past
and I thrive on the hate.
It rips and it tears
At my weak and open heart.
I weep for what I had
I'm scared of what I have.
And terrified of what I want.
I let it go
But still it finds me.
I have found better
but still it haunts me.
I ran so strong
For so very long
But still she haunts me.
Nothing I can say.
Nothing I can do.
And nothing I have.
Nothing has been able to erase the darkness and longing she left.
I ended it.
Was I right?
Was I wrong?
I feel tired.
I feel drawn.
I ask for help.
I ask for advice.
But all I get are the jealous desires of someone I trust.
He has searched for the one.
And it has eluded him for so long.
One didn't want him.
The next moved away.
And the last got bored and cast him away.
I told him about all of this.
I asked him what I should do.
He tried to help.
But he has yet to admit he need more help than I do.
And on top of all of this.
The one I have is laying in a sick bed.
I am once again powerless to stop what I know has to be coming.

I feel insignificant.
I want not to dread.
I feel helpless.
Is it better if I were dead?