I am not a toy

My head is all over the place,
I can't even look you dead in the face.
I cry out of anger and regret,
But I will never forget...
There reason I drink is you,
But you will never have the slightest clue.
The reason I have these scars,
I chose not to jump in front of cars.
You always come across my mind,
Back then I thought you were kind.
With that smile,
Your innocents left me to denial.
Yet here we are today,
What else do you have left to say.
My heart is held together,
Maybe I should have been more clever.
People pull the strings to "try" to fix it,
Maybe I should just quit.
Here I sit alone,
Torn right down to the bone...
My heart is not a toy,
I will no longer be there to give you joy.
I am held down by a ball and chain,
Hoping one day I'll get hit by a train.
Every day it tends to get worse,
I tried everything to get rid of this curse.
My mind and heart are beyond repair,
But why the fuck would you care.
We pretend like everything is okay,
Like everything will be on its way.
Sadly I am nothing to you,
Maybe that is why I feel so blue...