deepundergroundpoetry.com
The irony of prescribed drugs
Hello, I am depressed.
It’s not my real name that was penned on a piece of paper when I was registered at birth but, it’s my new name; the doctors gave it to me. – Depressed
It doesn’t flow quite as beautifully as my actual name and I don’t like it either.
Although the doctor didn’t necessarily grab a pack of labels out of his stationary draw and stick one on my head, he labelled me verbally, in a concerned tone of voice.
You are depressed.
And I can only compare it to being labelled like a packet of food that nobody really enjoys and being placed on a shelf never to be chosen by passersby down an unpopular aisle – neglected
I feel isolated and unable. Lonesome and invisible, so invisible.
I feel as if I am accompanied by only my shadow and often ponder to myself why nobody wants to be near, they are absent,
‘’Pick yourself up, other people have had more traumatic lives than you, people are starving, you are over exaggerating’’
So I go, I go to the only place I can think of to clear my head and a place that makes nostalgic thoughts flow through my mind instead of darkened ones
It’s a place I used to play when I was young, it had a beautiful lake and a swing attached to a tree by some knotted rope, but it’s not the same anymore, I can’t feel anything but numb because it’s not a lake anymore, they have built a new supermarket over the lake I used to swim and the swing is not there anymore, where has it gone?
I run out of ideas and I head to my labeler, my GP, my only source of light in hopes to find a solution to the fact that my head is over-flowing with corrupt voices encouraging me to do harm every fiber of my being, even though I keep rejecting their offer I still feel at risk
‘’I’m not suicidal’’ I explain as tears flow gently down from my eyes, to my chin ‘’I just don’t care if I die’’
He hands me a piece of paper and he tells me it has the answer
100 milligrams, he explains that it may be the conclusion to my present demons but it might not be, I take the risk
I pass the place that used to feel nostalgic and I sigh as I see a blur of the destination I am travelling, the pharmacy, that’s where I collect my solution, it will fix everything, they told me it would.
A middle-aged, seemingly friendly woman trades my prescription for a pack of 28 tablets and I thank her uncertainly
WARNING – this product may make you feel drowsy, do not take more than the prescribed dose, if you have suicidal thoughts whilst taking this product, please talk to your GP.
I chuckle as that is the reason I visited him in the first place, it’s ironic
It’s been six weeks since my first taste of life on the medicated side (supposedly the brighter side) and I can’t miss a day of taking them, because I feel addicted. Addicted to feeling nothing at all.
And no, thank you Mr.GP – you haven’t fixed me, you have just given me a way to oust my demons as a pose to ridding of them eternally, which was my goal
The voices are still bellowing unpleasant sentences into my ears at the witches hour and reminding me of my non-worthiness, I still can’t get up and go, I still don’t see a reason to get up in the morning and I don’t want a job.
But hey, you’ve fixed me haven’t you, ‘cos now, I feel drowsy and I guess it doesn’t matter
Congratulations to you and I appreciate the time you spent for years educating yourself on the importance of mental health to give you the ability to hand me a little white magic pill
They’re alright, infact, they’re great and they are so great that I am experiencing every side effect that it mentioned on the packet and I am going to take all 28 at once.
I’m taking them so it changes my name back to what it was, I am saffron and I am not depressed anymore because I don’t exist; and I never did in the first place, or at least, you never made me feel like I did.
THIS SPOKEN WORD PIECE HAS BEEN WROTE FOR A PROJECT I AM CURRENTLY INVOLVED IN CALLED HIDDEN - IT IS EXPLORING THE DARK SIDE OF DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY AND I WAS ASKED TO WRITE A PIECE FOR IT. I HAVE USED MY OWN NAME AND MEDICATION CIRCUMSTANCES IN THE PIECE BUT I HAVE NO INTENTION OF UNDERTAKING THE END RESULT - IT IS JUST A SAD STORY ENDING AND EXPLAINS THAT THIS IS HOW I GUESS SOME PEOPLE FEEL WHEN THEY FIND THEMSELVES FEELING SO LOW AND IN THIS SITUATION. Thank you for reading xxxx
It’s not my real name that was penned on a piece of paper when I was registered at birth but, it’s my new name; the doctors gave it to me. – Depressed
It doesn’t flow quite as beautifully as my actual name and I don’t like it either.
Although the doctor didn’t necessarily grab a pack of labels out of his stationary draw and stick one on my head, he labelled me verbally, in a concerned tone of voice.
You are depressed.
And I can only compare it to being labelled like a packet of food that nobody really enjoys and being placed on a shelf never to be chosen by passersby down an unpopular aisle – neglected
I feel isolated and unable. Lonesome and invisible, so invisible.
I feel as if I am accompanied by only my shadow and often ponder to myself why nobody wants to be near, they are absent,
‘’Pick yourself up, other people have had more traumatic lives than you, people are starving, you are over exaggerating’’
So I go, I go to the only place I can think of to clear my head and a place that makes nostalgic thoughts flow through my mind instead of darkened ones
It’s a place I used to play when I was young, it had a beautiful lake and a swing attached to a tree by some knotted rope, but it’s not the same anymore, I can’t feel anything but numb because it’s not a lake anymore, they have built a new supermarket over the lake I used to swim and the swing is not there anymore, where has it gone?
I run out of ideas and I head to my labeler, my GP, my only source of light in hopes to find a solution to the fact that my head is over-flowing with corrupt voices encouraging me to do harm every fiber of my being, even though I keep rejecting their offer I still feel at risk
‘’I’m not suicidal’’ I explain as tears flow gently down from my eyes, to my chin ‘’I just don’t care if I die’’
He hands me a piece of paper and he tells me it has the answer
100 milligrams, he explains that it may be the conclusion to my present demons but it might not be, I take the risk
I pass the place that used to feel nostalgic and I sigh as I see a blur of the destination I am travelling, the pharmacy, that’s where I collect my solution, it will fix everything, they told me it would.
A middle-aged, seemingly friendly woman trades my prescription for a pack of 28 tablets and I thank her uncertainly
WARNING – this product may make you feel drowsy, do not take more than the prescribed dose, if you have suicidal thoughts whilst taking this product, please talk to your GP.
I chuckle as that is the reason I visited him in the first place, it’s ironic
It’s been six weeks since my first taste of life on the medicated side (supposedly the brighter side) and I can’t miss a day of taking them, because I feel addicted. Addicted to feeling nothing at all.
And no, thank you Mr.GP – you haven’t fixed me, you have just given me a way to oust my demons as a pose to ridding of them eternally, which was my goal
The voices are still bellowing unpleasant sentences into my ears at the witches hour and reminding me of my non-worthiness, I still can’t get up and go, I still don’t see a reason to get up in the morning and I don’t want a job.
But hey, you’ve fixed me haven’t you, ‘cos now, I feel drowsy and I guess it doesn’t matter
Congratulations to you and I appreciate the time you spent for years educating yourself on the importance of mental health to give you the ability to hand me a little white magic pill
They’re alright, infact, they’re great and they are so great that I am experiencing every side effect that it mentioned on the packet and I am going to take all 28 at once.
I’m taking them so it changes my name back to what it was, I am saffron and I am not depressed anymore because I don’t exist; and I never did in the first place, or at least, you never made me feel like I did.
THIS SPOKEN WORD PIECE HAS BEEN WROTE FOR A PROJECT I AM CURRENTLY INVOLVED IN CALLED HIDDEN - IT IS EXPLORING THE DARK SIDE OF DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY AND I WAS ASKED TO WRITE A PIECE FOR IT. I HAVE USED MY OWN NAME AND MEDICATION CIRCUMSTANCES IN THE PIECE BUT I HAVE NO INTENTION OF UNDERTAKING THE END RESULT - IT IS JUST A SAD STORY ENDING AND EXPLAINS THAT THIS IS HOW I GUESS SOME PEOPLE FEEL WHEN THEY FIND THEMSELVES FEELING SO LOW AND IN THIS SITUATION. Thank you for reading xxxx
Published 12th Jul 2017
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