deepundergroundpoetry.com
Chapter 4.0
Well as suggested previously
in chapter 3 of my non fiction series
of me tearing up on death rap relapses,
I now not so proudly present chapter 4,
featuring special guest appearance
who was thenearest when the seizure hits,
I appreciate this unexpected presence
whole heartedly,
I just hope I never drag another
into spiral messy viral tests
but someone cared enough
to share her used up tool prickle rig
containing Trace remains of illness
bugs that lead to stillness of the blood
So, fuck,
here we go,
what a week,
drowning fear
anticipating
diagnosis patient
Waiting
consider
every under modulated
condescending operator
partial penny pawning
lurker on the search
for spots to drop
and lurch on seizure bursts
from burning dots
on arms atop
the oddly turning bottom loft,
opposite of where you sit
and take this in,
I fry ,
cry ,
and try to end this bender
risky impediment death
every evening.
the guy I write of,
It is me,
I am him,
nothing more
Nothing less, nothing's left
this is war I guess
Through thorough potent
sharp and spikey
sample dose injection potion
focused on the dope
slowing down the ample motives
dripping out like candle wax
in this cone of diminishing motivation
since noticing I'm floating
to my final
demise
destination
Published 7th Jul 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 2
reads 535
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
8th Jul 2017 6:24am
8th Jul 2017 6:40am
(excerpt from my final draft for UCLA I turned into a letter.. entitled Dear James,)
You just laid there, not breathing, unconscious, your eyes were open but now rolled off to the side, locked in an empty stare. In that moment I knew the person I had become, all the hideousness that had been festering inside me for years. Putting your life in my hands finally confirmed my ugliness as a human being, there were no more facades, my fake innate goodness I tried to portray to the world absent when you, a person I loved, needed me most. And with that realization my only response was to begin to beg the cosmos to let you come back. I was wasting what time you still may have had left, time that could have been spent calling for someone to arrive that had the ability to save you because I knew that I could not.
I wanted to tell you I would not have let you die, that I would have dialed 911, that those 60 seconds during your dance with the darkness, that the time between your last breath and your own body’s recitation felt like hours, days and years were inching by endlessly while I just sat there. The emptiness reflected in those green eyes of yours remain as a constant punishment for my lack action when you needed me most. I have nightmares regularly that consist only of the blank stare reflected in your beautiful eyes from that night. All I could do was sit there pleading and begging and bargaining for you to come back to me. I know that I should have spent that time calling an ambulance. I know I should have forced you to go to the doctor immediately following what had just transpired, instead of allowing you to convince me otherwise because of your own fear for what had just happened. I’m sorry that I did not have the courage or integrity to collect myself enough to do anything to save you when there was not anyone else around to take on that moral responsibility. It was not the fear of any legal consequence that left me paralyzed, it was staring into the face of what could ultimately be my own fate and what must have been an innate evilness that consumed me when you needed me most. You always protected me. Without fail. I am sorry I could not protect you. I am so, so sorry. I will forever carry that remorse and disgust for my inaction with me until my last breath. If the roles had been reversed, I have no doubt in my mind that when I woke up, I would have been lying in a hospital bed with you by my side. I am so sorry. I loved and do love you more than my actions were ever able to validate.
You just laid there, not breathing, unconscious, your eyes were open but now rolled off to the side, locked in an empty stare. In that moment I knew the person I had become, all the hideousness that had been festering inside me for years. Putting your life in my hands finally confirmed my ugliness as a human being, there were no more facades, my fake innate goodness I tried to portray to the world absent when you, a person I loved, needed me most. And with that realization my only response was to begin to beg the cosmos to let you come back. I was wasting what time you still may have had left, time that could have been spent calling for someone to arrive that had the ability to save you because I knew that I could not.
I wanted to tell you I would not have let you die, that I would have dialed 911, that those 60 seconds during your dance with the darkness, that the time between your last breath and your own body’s recitation felt like hours, days and years were inching by endlessly while I just sat there. The emptiness reflected in those green eyes of yours remain as a constant punishment for my lack action when you needed me most. I have nightmares regularly that consist only of the blank stare reflected in your beautiful eyes from that night. All I could do was sit there pleading and begging and bargaining for you to come back to me. I know that I should have spent that time calling an ambulance. I know I should have forced you to go to the doctor immediately following what had just transpired, instead of allowing you to convince me otherwise because of your own fear for what had just happened. I’m sorry that I did not have the courage or integrity to collect myself enough to do anything to save you when there was not anyone else around to take on that moral responsibility. It was not the fear of any legal consequence that left me paralyzed, it was staring into the face of what could ultimately be my own fate and what must have been an innate evilness that consumed me when you needed me most. You always protected me. Without fail. I am sorry I could not protect you. I am so, so sorry. I will forever carry that remorse and disgust for my inaction with me until my last breath. If the roles had been reversed, I have no doubt in my mind that when I woke up, I would have been lying in a hospital bed with you by my side. I am so sorry. I loved and do love you more than my actions were ever able to validate.
