6: 16:  To Become What I Was

Excerpt 16 from Journal 6, ' Becoming My True Love'
   - From 'Journals To My True Love, Part 2'

My Love, in order to love you fully I must become
   what I was...
It is easy to love a fantasy, a spectre, but hard to love
   a real man...
If you were unreal then there would be nothing to strive
   for and that is the fantasy, the effortless dream...
I only wish I could join you in an uncreated place
   but no, no, I know you are so real; I feel you to be so...
You must be a real man; how I fear this...
I only wish I could lock you away in a vault, or bury you
   as a stone hidden from view, but you are so alive
   as my own pulse is strong...
I was naiive and joyful once, I was open to love...
That is how I picture you...
I only wish you were my child who would run only to me
   but you have loved many before me physically...
You are as unpure as myself...
I despise my own unpurity so how can I not despise yours?
I only wish my words and writings could make us pure
   and whole again but they are merely observations
   and notions, not a manifesto...
I remember what I was, I can relive it in brief moments,
   and I can see you there as myself...
I can pretend we are at a dawn instead of a dusk seeing
   everything purposeful in hindsight...
How you are so beautiful in that light...
I can almost go back and touch you there...
I can almost become what I was...
By writing fervently of it, it almost becomes so...
In theory, you are my one True Love, not one of many loves...
You are my fantasy and have always been...
By becoming you I can find my original self, my original purity...
We can embody it together and I can live the theory,
   albeit grandiose and lofty...
And I can live inside the dream in ecstatic moments,
   proclaiming our love to affirm our existence...