deepundergroundpoetry.com
four would have done it
You pushing me up against
The cold metal of an expensive,
Black truck
Pining for a taste
Three glasses of wine
To keep the knees steady
To convince me I’m ready
Snake your hand up
My loose, jean shorts
Seeking a satin wetness.
But there wasn’t enough wine
And I wasn’t permitted the time
To really want
What you attempted
To deliver.
That was the last time I saw you
And I had so much more to give.
The cold metal of an expensive,
Black truck
Pining for a taste
Three glasses of wine
To keep the knees steady
To convince me I’m ready
Snake your hand up
My loose, jean shorts
Seeking a satin wetness.
But there wasn’t enough wine
And I wasn’t permitted the time
To really want
What you attempted
To deliver.
That was the last time I saw you
And I had so much more to give.
Published 21st Jun 2017
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comments 5
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Kerplunk.
Why don't men ( and women ) realize the beauty of taking their time, shucking back those layers one at a time before tasting that sweet harvest.
My father taught me that a garden doesn't grow overnight. Tasting of the fruit before ripened always means bitterness on the tongue and in the stomach.
I would space between wetness / but ( and correct but. . .).
That final couplet should be on its own. It needs space to deliver the punch to the reader's gut.
Why don't men ( and women ) realize the beauty of taking their time, shucking back those layers one at a time before tasting that sweet harvest.
My father taught me that a garden doesn't grow overnight. Tasting of the fruit before ripened always means bitterness on the tongue and in the stomach.
I would space between wetness / but ( and correct but. . .).
That final couplet should be on its own. It needs space to deliver the punch to the reader's gut.
21st Jun 2017 11:24pm
Thank you for your critique! I think that's so important on this website (particularly from gifted poets such as yourself). Also, yes! Patience. Well said, Ahavati. Absolute truth.
21st Jun 2017 11:29pm
You're very welcome, Perfumed One. I am happy there are gifted poets such as yourself seeking to improve their talents, and receive suggestions so openly. That's the mark of a true Poet.
21st Jun 2017 11:57pm
Of course you had more to give. He seemed in a bit of a hurry, didn't he? Some work is definitely needed on the foreplay here, lol.
22nd Jun 2017 1:52am
More time for wine would stop the clocks. Erotic and yet remained thoughtful as to the possibility of where something would lead had we been given more time each other. I know the feeling all too well. Excellent pen Taffy. I am enjoying your stuff.
