Stable Chaos

We jumped the fence,
Carefully explored the old place.
Every wall was coated with mold,
Every ceiling had asbestos.
Each room was evidence of a time since forgotten.

It was pitch black.
Where there was no mold there was graffiti.
Wires hung down from the ceiling.
It gets cold when there's 20 feet of concrete between you and the sun.

There were huge cracks in the walls,
Bullet holes, too.
The doors were all rusted metal.
Concrete ceilings crumbled above our heads if we spoke too loud.

We wrote our names in orange spray paint.
MC, Al, and Rhi 2017

When we left the underground portion we were soaked.
Sweat, water from leaky pipes, mold.
We sat on the roof of the watch tower we climbed up.
I sat near the edge and rehydrated.

The skies were gray, the sea was black.
Waves slammed against rocks.

I let my legs dangle over the edge and stared downward.
It was 45 feet until you hit cement.

While my heart raced for a moment I realized I was safest here.
Nothing could touch me here, nothing could hurt me.
If I really wanted to, I could have ended it all right there.

It would be so easy.
It would be so quick.
Everyone would assume it was an accident.

I considered the situation for around ten minutes.
My friends ate lunch behind me.
The wind picked up and high tide rolled in.
It began to sprinkle ever so slightly.

I closed my eyes for a few seconds.
I could hear my friends, the crashing of waves and wind blowing through trees.
I could hear an angler out on the jetty celebrating his catch.
Though everything else was silent.

I wasn't sad or angry in that moment.
I could feel my heartbeat and breathe again.
Everything in my head was silent and I was me again.
My skin was warm.
In that moment I was alive again.

I was a part of your world once more!
I could have easily killed myself, or met my death below!
I didn't, though!
The entire day was full of uncertainty and risk and danger but I had never felt so real!
I was a human with a body and organs and hands!
I could move and talk and breathe!
I was alive again! I was real!
I was a human again and it was lovely!

"Dude, you all right? You've been spaced out for like 5 whole minutes."
"I'm pretty all right."
"Wanna go spray paint some more in the tunnels that connect the bunkers?"
"Hell yeah baby that sounds good!"