Unmade

1-1-08
5:25am
He draws the pain like poison from my soul
into a glowing gaseous ball in His hands.
Some comes quickly, but some is slower
deeper, held onto more.
Once He has all I will give Him
in that swirling misty ball,
He speaks one word and it vanishes.
It exists no longer.
I cannot take it back.

He does not simply let me into a large room
with file cabinets.
He does not give me the password to my folder
where I can go and restore the files.
He unmakes it. Erases it. Makes it new. Gone.
In order for me to have this pain again,
I must re-make it,
for it has been unmade
and nothingness cannot hurt so much
as something that keeps getting re-made.

I had not yet grasped the concept
that once I give it to Him,
I cannot take it back -
but re-make the pain again.
How foolish I have been,
all this time
making all this work for myself
from now on, once I have given it to Him
I will try not to make it again...
5:32am