Depression

Dark.
Haze.
So deep I can't see out.
No desire for things I love.
Nothing.

In this twilight world where nothing matters
I cease to care about
even my most loved relationships and hobbies...

Rejection.
Again.
Always.
Painful.
Never ending, never stopping. Always there.
Those feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness.
Feeling undesirable, unwanted, unloved,
unattractive, unappreciated...
Just. Useless...

Trying to indulge in hours of one of my fondest passions -having looked forward to it half the day -and becoming overwhelmed because I need to start part of it over.
Another mistake. I've made so many lately...

Knowing that these feelings and this outlook makes me less attractive,
but not knowing how to break the cycle -how to stop the plummet...
How to avoid the shatter when my heart is accidentally pushed off a cliff onto the jagged rocks of reality,
Pushing me deeper down into this blackness that I fear will swallow me whole.

Tired of feeling needy. Of Wanting someone so damn much it hurts.
Tired of every time I become interested in someone -I'm not their type...
Who's type am I then?
So difficult to find someone I'd consider -and every time the same response...
"You're not my type."
The words like a katana,
no honor killing here
my heart has been dead for years
why try to awaken it now?
Why try to light a wet wick?
Will it happen somehow?

Yes I need friends, but even the thought of being with my best friend can't drive these feelings away from me.
Just one more person who's type I wasn't...

Depression.
Thief of imagination and creativity.
Thief of beauty, joy, and the facade of perfection...

When will you leave me be?
When will you allow me to happy as just simply me?

If I could become asexual for a season and simply cease to desire a man...
until the right one were to come along and think I'm amazing...
and I would think he was amazing too, because he would be my type...

but there is no one to desire me
no one to seek my hand
no one who feels the throb of their heartbeat in their head when I'm nearby
who caresses me in their dreams
no one who desires me and all that comes with me.

If only no others would pursue me until it's 'the one'...
No more guessing, no more  embarrassing let downs...
No more rejection -taken or given...
I don't need to be good enough.
But where are you love?