I Hate this Feeling

Do I jinx my chances of us when I think of you
when I dream of you, so realistically?
why did I try so hard this time
as if that would make it any better
push and pull of the waves
push and pull of our hearts so close to nothing and something
at the same time
the cards told me to move on
and so did you when you wouldn't look me in the eyes
but I feel so uncontrollably vulnerable right now
about to pop
ruin every secret I ever kept from anyone
just because of a boy
who requested "dancing queen" 5 times for me
on a cold drunken night

I must stop going down this path
(what a spiral)
i must
stop
(spinning)
stop doing this to myself
(falling)
stop doing this to others
(lying)


what will make this better?