AWAY  I LOOK AWAY    (7-14-1990, San Diego, California)

 
absolutely
no success here
so sold out
to fear
watching life
spin down
and down
so lost
unclear
into these costly
black hole
years
of seemingly
unending
inner tears
and pain  
the inwardly
silent  
hurting kind
in which
i drown
a little
more deeply
under the
increasing weight
of each  
successive
passing day
sinking here  
beneath
this darkened
stormy sea
of unforgotten
unforgiven
rotten  gnawing
past rememberings
now recalled
into which
all future
disappears
as my history
slowly stretches
back out  
down through
times  
deeply vortexed  
ever spiraling
drain
here in
the late
still hours
of these
timeless  
sleepless nights  
great
static voids
much too
brief
escape  relief
either way
beyond my
desperate need
and hope
to either
find a  
way
to someday
better dream
or cope
though presently  
neither
here nor
there
within  without
away
i look
away
 
pulled off
into the
shallower depths
of dreams
now ghostly
weak
yet nonetheless
still clinging
on to  
better memories
of better
days  
long gone
too few
as vague
as life
itself
now seems
for me  
today
yet some
memories
though they
too
so few
are still
so sweet
to recall
and savor
that if
and when
i can  
tap into
to refocus
upon  
every detail
and precious  
flavor
of their  
much too
fleeting  
resurrected
lingering
where i  
can at
least relive
to some
vicarious degree
an inner  
sense
of being
there
feeling there
once again
still  
either way
within  without
away  
i look  
away
 
traffic lights
reflecting on
late night
rain drizzled
san  francisco
streets  
with a
good  warm
sake buzz
filling my
sake head
electricity
crackling
through
the night
in the
air  
in the
eyes  
in the
living flesh
of everyone
i meet
recalling
the thrill
the instant
rush  
of such
serendipitously
spontaneous
encounters
anchored in
the intuitive
inner knowing
and ever
hungering
mystery
that the  
extent
to which
you connect
is the  
degree
to which
youll eat
in lifes
great feast
which used  
to  
and possibly
still does
if i  
could only
allow it  
to  
constantly
present itself
right here  
at our  
feet
where every
sweet  ripe  
juicy
mouthful  
of rich
raw life  
partaken of
tasted  
and tastes
as good
as youd  
ever want
it to
in your  
memories
or your  
dreams
and sometimes
even in
the most
mundane  routine
moments
of day
to day
reality  
yet this
is only
one small
part  
of the
silent  unseen
ghost which
presently still
haunts me  
now  
if i  
could only
relearn how
to feel
and find  
and see
once more
the good
in the  
bad
the beautiful
in the
bittersweet
new hope
in the
pits of
darkest despair
some new
way  
to live
lifes dream  
again
even more
fully  
than before  
still  nonetheless
either way
within  without
away
i look
away