Killer Memories (Part 1 - "Killing my cat")

The night my bastard step-dad killed my cat  
he murdered my inner child.  
   
That chapter of my life had been  
secretly tucked away under lock and key  
in my beat up diary kept  
when I was ten years old.  
   
Just recently stumbled upon it,  
while thumbing through paper memories  
of those old forgotten traumas they  
began to sting like stitches getting  
ripped apart as each recorded thought  
unfolded I focused on one  
tear-stained entry sending me  
right back to that tragic night.  
   
She was a grey tabby cat named 'Silver' and  
had given birth to five small kittens,  
they were living in a cardboard box  
down in our rock cellar.  
   
We couldn't keep our paws off those  
cute kits but the mama wouldn't have it.  
She moved her babies to a small, dark crevasse  
dripping wet behind the rocks within  
the darkness well away from any  
prying child's hands.  
   
That night at dinner when dad got home  
it was clear he had a real bad day at work again.  
He blew up and tossed his plate across the room,  
we all knew to look away.  
   
Don't know why mom then told him  
how the cat had hidden all her kittens  
it made him so enraged he raced  
downstairs and made me go.  
   
He sent me crawling through that dingy hole  
to remove every newborn but I knew  
what he had planned to do, I felt  
so sick I thought I'd puke.  
   
I squirmed inside that narrow crawlspace  
and acted like I couldn't find them  
when really they were right there  
inches from my face.  
   
Dad was pissed and sent my  
younger brother in. He was  
only five years old and always  
did what dad told him to.  
Within minutes he returned  
proudly handing off the kits.    
   
Dad snagged a paper bag and went  
outside, he placed it up against the car's  
exhaust pipe, forcing tiny crying kittens  
to choke on their own screams  
inside a toxic cloud of sleep.  
   
Before Silver knew what happened  
dad quickly picked her up and  
kicked her like a football sending  
that poor thing sprawling I can't  
forget her horrid shrieking it's  
still ringing in my ears.  
   
...and dad wasn't done.  
   
He took another jab as he  
vented his alcoholic wrath  
smashing my wounded cat's  
head with a heavy metal crate.  
   
His bottled up, demented rage  
kept him kicking her and beating  
that small and shattered, bleeding  
body was so fragile as it broke and I  
just watched her life spill out on the ground.  
   
I stood there feeling scared  
and small because I knew  
there was nothing I could do.  
   
An hour later Silver began  
dragging her mangled body  
painfully slow across the road  
to get away.  
   
I stayed beside her praying she'd survive.  
I'll not forget how my cat looked up  
as if to beg me for some help,  
hoping I could somehow heal her  
or explain how this thing happened  
or just - maybe - tell her why.  
   
I didn't leave until she took her  
dying breath.  
         _ _ _ _ _ _ _  
   
I used a butane lighter,  
setting flame to that diary  
hoping all those hurtful memories  
would also go up in smoke  
but they're burned into my soul  
and will remain a part of me.  
   
At times I still catch myself  
smiling as I drift inside a dream,  
fantasizing about my step-dad  
planning how I'll murder him  
the way he killed my pet.  
   
...an entry I've not written yet.  
   



Part 1 "Killer Memories":  https://allpoetry.com/poem/13227251-killer-memories-by-WhiteTiger-adult

Part 2 "Forced to Kneel": https://allpoetry.com/poem/13234658-forced-to-kneel-----part-2----killer-memories--by-WhiteTiger-adult

Part 3 "Waterboarding": https://allpoetry.com/poem/13248451-Killer-memories---part-3---waterboarding--by-WhiteTiger-adult

Here's a link to "Lucid Suffering" - A story of a step-dad and white-tailed deer:
https://allpoetry.com/poem/13205071-lucid-suffering--by-WhiteTiger
(http://mikemasonsblog.blogspot.com/2017/04/tragic-death-of-inner-child.html)