deepundergroundpoetry.com
I'll be unconscious for you...
Your voice is like a silent shriek
spilling out into the empty air
I can see the words as you speak
I feel more than you could ever care.
I read your thoughts and they're void
blind to your cause-reaction lapse
transmitters singed, synapse destroyed
trapped in holes of your neuron gaps.
Say you're lost deep inside your mind
but your brain's just 5 inches thick
~ indifferent to my stimuli ~
I'll deaden pleasure centers quick.
Unconscious, I lie still for you
saying you're flawless head to feet
can't see how you believe it's true
you're empty as the fiends you meet.
https://allpoetry.com/poem/13273685-Ill-be-unconscious-for-you...-by-WhiteTiger
spilling out into the empty air
I can see the words as you speak
I feel more than you could ever care.
I read your thoughts and they're void
blind to your cause-reaction lapse
transmitters singed, synapse destroyed
trapped in holes of your neuron gaps.
Say you're lost deep inside your mind
but your brain's just 5 inches thick
~ indifferent to my stimuli ~
I'll deaden pleasure centers quick.
Unconscious, I lie still for you
saying you're flawless head to feet
can't see how you believe it's true
you're empty as the fiends you meet.
https://allpoetry.com/poem/13273685-Ill-be-unconscious-for-you...-by-WhiteTiger
Published 19th Mar 2017
| Edited 1st May 2017
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19th Mar 2017 11:04pm
Such defeat and sadness here. I empathize not for you but WITH you. Emotional and painful.
Suggestion for line 2
If you used "longevity" instead of life, it would lead very nicely into the next couplet and you would avoid using life 2x.
Maybe - "Not much longevity around" would also mirror the same rhythm...
(I now know) I'll never attain. - Maybe "Knowing" instead
And (there's) just one to blame, - There is and maybe remove And
I (can't) look at myself the same. - Cannot
Just some thoughts...
Suggestion for line 2
If you used "longevity" instead of life, it would lead very nicely into the next couplet and you would avoid using life 2x.
Maybe - "Not much longevity around" would also mirror the same rhythm...
(I now know) I'll never attain. - Maybe "Knowing" instead
And (there's) just one to blame, - There is and maybe remove And
I (can't) look at myself the same. - Cannot
Just some thoughts...
1st May 2017 5:46am
Link to Poem: "I'll be unconscious for you..." https://allpoetry.com/poem/13273685-Ill-be-unconscious-for-you...-by-WhiteTiger
