deepundergroundpoetry.com
That One
A fortune cookie feeling
A invincible everything is ok, feeling,
A untouchable euphoric lifestyle
But
It hits you like a train
In the rain.
A invincible everything is ok, feeling,
A untouchable euphoric lifestyle
But
It hits you like a train
In the rain.
Published 14th Mar 2017
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The author encourages honest critique.
Ben, I sense a bit of mania followed by a quick head first into a brick wall. If I am correct, I know that feeling well. I think you have something here in the briefness of your poem emphasizing how quickly the change comes. Very well done!
Just a few suggestions since you asked:
2nd line, would "reeling" work instead of "feeling" as if to revolve quickly and repeatedly around one's own axis and avoid the repeat? Also you would want to begin with "An" in this line instead of "A" because invincible starts with a vowel. And last thing the end of the line itself causes a natural pause. Therefore, the comma is not necessary at the end...if that makes sense... An invincible, everything is okay reeling
Just some thoughts feel free to use or not. I appreciate you sharing:)
Just a few suggestions since you asked:
2nd line, would "reeling" work instead of "feeling" as if to revolve quickly and repeatedly around one's own axis and avoid the repeat? Also you would want to begin with "An" in this line instead of "A" because invincible starts with a vowel. And last thing the end of the line itself causes a natural pause. Therefore, the comma is not necessary at the end...if that makes sense... An invincible, everything is okay reeling
Just some thoughts feel free to use or not. I appreciate you sharing:)
