Boyfriend material

I am not boyfriend material and I never was
-I spent twenty-two of the last twenty-four hours sleeping
-it's really hard for someone to stick with someone like me

Now, I get it! I GET IT! I am useless, I am hopeless, I have nothing to put into this relationship,
We're all just going to die alone, a large meteor will kill ME
-I would have been a pterodactyl if i had a choice
-I did always want to fly

Although, I only wanted to fly so it would be acceptable for me to jump off a building and plummet to my death
-Unfortunately no one would believe it was an accident

I have nothing left because I ruined everything

I am the protagonist and my story is BORING

The people who have seen my worst can not handle it
-Coming from the back of my mind, I hear "Stop trying to be your best, you are only disappointing everyone"

I want to be everything I always wanted to be
-The problem with that is I didn't want to "be" anything on the list of things I had to choose from

I wanted to be in love, I wanted to be a dad, I wanted to be successful, I wanted to do so many things

I grew up.
I grew up and I opened my eyes to the world, only to find that everything I wanted to be
-Everything I wanted to learn
-Everything that I knew already

...would be proven false one day,
-and by who? Myself.

I could never be happy and I can't take this anymore, this fucking voice,
-Not a real voice of course, that would just be fucking CRAZY!

-the voice that tells me I am not good enough
-the voice that tells me I will not make it
-the voice that tells me "you are not tough"
-the voice that puts me on the couch and makes me sit
-the voice that makes my knuckles rough
-the voice that decides EVERYTHING a little bit


I look in the mirror every single day and I don't see beauty OR the opposite,
-I see wishful thinking
-I see hope
-I see intelligence
-and I see trouble

The trouble is red. It stands out. Everyone sees red.
-OBVIOUSLY something is wrong and I need someone
-I need someone who won't understand me because no one can understand me, but she will TRY
-She will try so hard that it will make her cry
-It will make her cry when I am crying and she is still trying so hard to figure out how to stop those warm tears from hitting the ground

She will try too hard and It will burn her out.
-"Our life is on fire" she will say.
-I don't smell her favorite candle,
-I don't think she is going to mean the passionate kind that she fell in love with,
-it will take a long time to realize that it is not that kind of fire

I was not prepared for this, I did not plan for this open ended problem, I can feel my heartbeat speeding up already just thinking about it
-I am losing something right now that I don't even have and all I can think to say is "I am not boyfriend material."