deepundergroundpoetry.com
Silent Night
A piercing cry might ring out in the night;
And, so, he takes precautions and he has
Her slip her panties off – he loves the sight
Of lace around her ankles; if this was
Exposure she regretted, there’s no sign
Of this when, later, he avails himself
Of her taut mouth and he will not decline
Facilities that offer him a wealth
Of opportunities to exercise
The vigour of his mastery; he’ll seize
The chance to press her down and spread her thighs
But leave her mouth entr’ouvert: he can tease
Her taste buds with the lace that means the flight
Of hymen won’t disturb the silent night.
And, so, he takes precautions and he has
Her slip her panties off – he loves the sight
Of lace around her ankles; if this was
Exposure she regretted, there’s no sign
Of this when, later, he avails himself
Of her taut mouth and he will not decline
Facilities that offer him a wealth
Of opportunities to exercise
The vigour of his mastery; he’ll seize
The chance to press her down and spread her thighs
But leave her mouth entr’ouvert: he can tease
Her taste buds with the lace that means the flight
Of hymen won’t disturb the silent night.
Published 21st Nov 2016
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likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 10
reads 1069
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
21st Nov 2016 11:42pm
I was grinning throughout but then I smiled evil wides at those last lines...thank you for that!
xoxo Taryn
xoxo Taryn
27th Nov 2016 10:05am
Delighted you enjoyed these naughty verses:
Your smile is worth a thousand other curses
That may come from the discontented masses
But I can say to hell with all those asses
Because your smiling lips preclude reverses.
Your smile is worth a thousand other curses
That may come from the discontented masses
But I can say to hell with all those asses
Because your smiling lips preclude reverses.
27th Nov 2016 1:46am
27th Nov 2016 10:07am
The images I paint are in a class
with your imagination that unmasks
the answers when all other students pass
And helps me to progress to other tasks
Thank you
with your imagination that unmasks
the answers when all other students pass
And helps me to progress to other tasks
Thank you
27th Nov 2016 1:50am
27th Nov 2016 10:00am
Suggestions awaited - breath so bated,
No wonder if such thoughts mean I'm elated
To hear the promise you find in revision:
So tell me more - I await your incision
To dessicate the verses and improve
Each stanza, though I guess I've written worse.
No wonder if such thoughts mean I'm elated
To hear the promise you find in revision:
So tell me more - I await your incision
To dessicate the verses and improve
Each stanza, though I guess I've written worse.
27th Nov 2016 3:45pm
Others like the poem so this is only my opinion. One thing is wordiness. Someone once told me to cut the fat out your lines. Every word counts. Words like 'in the' 'and so' 'and he has' bog down sentences. Is there a word that can take the place of those? Also, poetry is not the same as prose. The sentences need to sound good, they need to sing. These are just examples of what I mean. I'm no expert.
Wordiness:
A piercing cry might ring out in the night;
Her sudden scream may disturb the night;
End lines:
And, so, he takes precautions and he has
Her slip her panties off – he loves the sight
Of lace around her ankles;
So taking heed, he insists she disrobe,
he loves her ankles adorned in lace.
Her sudden scream may disturb the night;
So taking heed, he insists she disrobe,
he loves her ankles adorned in lace.
You get the idea. Disrobe may not be correct but I'm just giving an example.
I'm learning all of this myself.
Wordiness:
A piercing cry might ring out in the night;
Her sudden scream may disturb the night;
End lines:
And, so, he takes precautions and he has
Her slip her panties off – he loves the sight
Of lace around her ankles;
So taking heed, he insists she disrobe,
he loves her ankles adorned in lace.
Her sudden scream may disturb the night;
So taking heed, he insists she disrobe,
he loves her ankles adorned in lace.
You get the idea. Disrobe may not be correct but I'm just giving an example.
I'm learning all of this myself.
helpful thoughts indeed but I may be constrained a little to keep the sonnet form - let me muse and I shall consider the drift of ypur suggestions - thank you for taking the time to consider this - I am always pleased to learn.
27th Nov 2016 5:59pm
I didn't know it was in a sonnet form. I may be wrong then. Consider me a fool if you wish. Forget about me. I shall go away with my head down, I shall eat no cornmeal tonight. I shall suffer alone in a room with no light, I shall........well you get the idea. :)
27th Nov 2016 8:25pm
I am alvvays pleased to learn and your commentary is still very valid - thank you for making me smile too.
