deepundergroundpoetry.com
Oklahoma
I don’t feel out of place
Although it may not look it in my face
I don’t regret the big leap
Of travelling so damn deep
Away from all that I have come to know
Now I must create a new flow
New town, new faces
Different people, different places
I wish making friends was easy
Or I wouldn’t be stuck with just me
I do miss my old friend
But that’s life, you must try to blend
Met a girl and she’s simply grand
Turned my life upside down, it’s no longer bland
But when I’m not with her, I falter
I become consumed with loneliness
Just a big hot mess
And it’s hard not to fret
But I gotta’ keep moving on
Because stagnation will destroy me, now I’m gone
I fear not; I keep walking into the sunlight
My vitality motivates my soul so bright
It shines through the shutters
And makes everything alright
Although it may not look it in my face
I don’t regret the big leap
Of travelling so damn deep
Away from all that I have come to know
Now I must create a new flow
New town, new faces
Different people, different places
I wish making friends was easy
Or I wouldn’t be stuck with just me
I do miss my old friend
But that’s life, you must try to blend
Met a girl and she’s simply grand
Turned my life upside down, it’s no longer bland
But when I’m not with her, I falter
I become consumed with loneliness
Just a big hot mess
And it’s hard not to fret
But I gotta’ keep moving on
Because stagnation will destroy me, now I’m gone
I fear not; I keep walking into the sunlight
My vitality motivates my soul so bright
It shines through the shutters
And makes everything alright
Published 16th Nov 2016
| Edited 18th Nov 2016
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This poem seems pretty good! I might look at the varied amounts of syllables in the different lines, just to see how it affects the cadence and flow of the piece as a whole. Reading it aloud, sometimes it sounds fine and sometimes it sounds a little rough. I think the one place that roughness stands out to me most clearly is at the very beginning with "I don’t feel out of place / Although it may not look it in my face". "I don't feel out of place" with its six syllables seems kind of short right before the next line, with its ten syllables.
That said I'm no expert on cadence; it's something I struggle with myself at times. I am curious, what was the inspiration for this piece?
That said I'm no expert on cadence; it's something I struggle with myself at times. I am curious, what was the inspiration for this piece?
I recently moved to Oklahoma for work and its about my feelings about what has happened since I moved here. Thank you for the tips, I think you're right to say those lines sound a bit choppy. I kinda rushed this poem and it is evident.
