Confliction

Why did I go searching for you?
In remembrance of all the good, but forgot all the bad
Why did I allow myself to open a door
I was not sure how to close?

I knew I was weak to you
This was only my secret
7 times of 365 just trying to keep it

But as the years rolled by, my wondering grew
If any other woman got a good man out of you

And when I had an open chance to reach your way
I was still to broken hearted to give in to the curious wave

But now things with him have tamed...
And after this decade long drama race
He wants to try to brighten my days

And in this time I finally fought so hard for
I found my thoughts drifting to you more
Found it harder not to open the door
Because I realized he is not what I truly want any more

His damage is beyond repair
He's trying to love me right this time
But I'm to numb to care
Fool me once shame on you they say
Fool me twice shame on me
But what type of fool have I been?
To be fooled for a decade repeatedly?

I had grown immune to any feeling but sad
Fighting for attention, it drove me mad
And now that I have it all...
It feels so forced,
not like true loves call

So I reached out to you, hoping for a glimpse
A reminder
Of why I chose this

And instead you lit that fire again,
Took it as a challenge to win
Too many years of us thinking "what ifs"
And I finally gave you the chance to get back in

So now here I am...torn between two loves
Both who have equally broken my soul
Removed pieces of who I was as a whole
And yet, neither I can let go.

In truth, I deserve more
But the price of unhappiness is worth my seeds joy
Of a family persona, fake smiles and laughter
What they don't know hurts me, will never matter

My quiet cat walks in the dark of the night
Will soon be discovered
and at some point
I'll have to fight
Have to decide

Honest truth
I deserve better then both
Choose the lesser of two evils

Not who loves me more
but who hurts me the most.

I'm fighting fire with fire
Two wrongs to feel right

When really my desires
Are beyond both of their insights