Swimming Upstream

I tried to move on as I should
And as of last night everything was good
But first thing this morning
There I was again
The craving within me
The need
Walking along the desired path is possible
But I feel like I’m swimming upstream
I grow tired
And after going for so long I haven’t even gained that much ground
So I relapse, I let go
In the moment I feel…so…much…better
Then soon the shame comes back
I slipped again
Then I start swimming upstream again
Trying to go along as I should

I feel like I let go a lot
Turns out I’m not a good swimmer
I’m much better at just treading water
I’m good at treading water
It’s not fair
You’d think with as much practice at swimming up stream
I’d be a better swimmer
But I’m not