deepundergroundpoetry.com
I Can't Breathe (When She's Around)
her eyes are something
words can't describe
the scent of farewell
the bite in her lies
yet there's something precious
in the weight of her kiss
I can't breathe when she's around
gunsmoke in the air
when she arrives
a rose is a rose
but she is not a girl
I can't breathe when she's around
sparks and crimson
she stares as with a hex
in a moment she has blown away
the theory of the next
i can't breathe when she's around
if only her love could suffocate me like her britches do
then maybe we could talk
'cos sometimes she makes me feel like a vegetable
and then I want her even more
words can't describe
the scent of farewell
the bite in her lies
yet there's something precious
in the weight of her kiss
I can't breathe when she's around
gunsmoke in the air
when she arrives
a rose is a rose
but she is not a girl
I can't breathe when she's around
sparks and crimson
she stares as with a hex
in a moment she has blown away
the theory of the next
i can't breathe when she's around
if only her love could suffocate me like her britches do
then maybe we could talk
'cos sometimes she makes me feel like a vegetable
and then I want her even more
Published 20th Sep 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I like the imagery of this, but in its cadence I feel it to be a good poem, but not song lyrics. I'm trying to find the rhythm to a song, and I'm having difficulty. Perhaps because it's too short. There are songs I know that only have four verses, most of it is instrumental so my experience with music is not limited, but perhaps expanding it is my suggestion. I mean, it is a flawless poem, but I think the story of the girl or "gun" isn't complete. Also, "If Only" kinda slows down the pace of the end of the song.
22nd Sep 2016 9:31am
Hello, John! I REALLY appreciate Your honesty. These lyrics were, actually, already turned into an audio recording ... a song [SoundCloud > Michael Ash Sharbaugh > I Can't Breathe]. You really got me thinking about expanding the parts where You saw fit. Thank You, by the way.
The only thing is, I wrote this in 1989 and recorded the audio then, and, as a course, I never touch something after I deem it finished. It is a rule of mine. But, You still got me thinking. To add something after something is ready deemed 'done' is a superstitious 'no-no.' But, you still got me thinking, and I appreciate You!
"If only" comes in rhythmically as 1/16th notes--like a drum fill, and works, I think. The "gunsmoke" part [I agree] might require fleshed out.
You are deeply appreciated.
The only thing is, I wrote this in 1989 and recorded the audio then, and, as a course, I never touch something after I deem it finished. It is a rule of mine. But, You still got me thinking. To add something after something is ready deemed 'done' is a superstitious 'no-no.' But, you still got me thinking, and I appreciate You!
"If only" comes in rhythmically as 1/16th notes--like a drum fill, and works, I think. The "gunsmoke" part [I agree] might require fleshed out.
You are deeply appreciated.
20th Sep 2016 7:01pm
22nd Sep 2016 9:33am
Why, thank You AGAIN, for a comment, Sweet Oblivion. It truly is: to be addicted to something that is troublesome and not good for You, indeed, is what this song is about. [SoundCloud > Michael Ash Sharbaugh > I Can't Breathe].
Listen, if You have time, and tell Me if it works!
Peace!
Listen, if You have time, and tell Me if it works!
Peace!
22nd Sep 2016 6:37pm
23rd Sep 2016 11:23am
You are so welcome. Thank You!
https://soundcloud.com/michael-ash-sharbaugh/i-cant-breathe-when-shes
https://soundcloud.com/michael-ash-sharbaugh/i-cant-breathe-when-shes
