you were so believable

i curse myself in the many days i spend in bed believing
everything you told me which i knew were
lies as pure as your sin
and i believe the choices i make were
clearly beneficial

but not to me, no.

i confine myself in the many days i spend
dangling
from my doorknob

- breaking
myself into cold sweat and jagged pieces to place on the parquet floor
horizontal
v
e
r
t
i
c
a
l

d i s j o i n t e d

waiting to indulge in nothing but you

nothing but you
you
you
you
because you were so goddamn gorgeous - urgh!

i'd rather head to a kitchen
where knives and fire
and
overexposed gas
come alive
and stuff myself with more sin than i can digest
than lie in the stupor i sign myself upon a daily routine

i relish in the many days i spend in your arms convincing
myself that your colossal words were meant for me
and that my dreams were really
  our dreams
and your making me whole wasn't your fetish to dissect

i trust in my instincts that
nothing good would come out of this
minus the fact that i
had the feeling of

being in love with someone like you.

i hate the many days i spend without realizing
you never had a return ticket in your hands
when you walked out
and that there was more to why you accidentallypurposely left
the housekeys in the dustbin
along with broken pieces of
                                            a photograph frame

i surrender to the many days i ponder
on how many stars i could count a night
on how many unperturbed breaths i could take
before i ended up whispering your name as
i stumble upon running thoughts and
censored memories; unable to digress that
there must've been a reason why
you left me in the first place
because, maybe, in your eyes,
i died