Seconds

 
It felt as though I’d been staring
at that loaded syringe for hours,
maybe even days:
hating it, loving it, wanting it,
wanting to hate it, wishing for more of it,
and then inevitably hating myself.
It’s irresistibly deadly and I can’t walk away.

My body ached, begging for anything
to take this emptiness away –
desperation can cause reckless decisions,
like injecting enough poison to kill most,
but not you, no, because you’re invincible.  

After a few seconds of sober indecisiveness,
while I continued twirling that syringe
through my fingers, thinking, thinking –
I reached for my tourniquet,
tying that blue rubber strip around my arm
as tight as I could possibly get it.

LOOP AROUND / TUCK UNDER / S N A P

Months ago that snap used to hurt,
back before it provided me with comfort.
My circulation now cut off and
my arm was now purple, my hand numb,
“No big deal..” I whispered softly
while actively choosing to ignore tears
slowly running down my cheeks:
shame, embarrassment, total hopelessness.

My incompetence was so painfully obvious
but on the bright side,
this I can always do so perfectly.

There’s always that feeling of resentment,
hatred towards myself and this fucking bag –
this bag I’ve let control my entire life, taking me further
down this path which only leads me to death.

I hate it, I hate this – the drug, syringes, the orange caps;
I’m so selfish, searching for an escape,
but at what cost?
I was sitting on the floor,
still crying and feeling sorry for myself
my arm still turning blue,
holding that which I now loathe..
Until finally,
I stabbed my arm, poking my favorite vein and..

RUSH!

Just as always, it was.. incredible,
indescribable, perfectly satisfying
and when I was done, I felt human again,
which almost made me slightly angry.

THIS is what keeps me here, it’s the reason
I’m still an addict despite my best efforts
I’ve tried and tried, but I can’t quit.

Ten minutes ago, I was ready to die,
I was fully prepared to take my own life,
I’d never have to poke another hole, to crave
that rush, I’d finally save me from myself.
But well, you know what happened next..

SKIN BROKEN / REGISTER, FLASH OF BLOOD / EMPTIED THE SYRINGE IN MY ARM UNTIL FINALLY – COUGH, COUGH,

and then as I exhaled and slowly closed my eyes,
I felt human again, and there was total SILENCE.

That is all it ever took, one shot and instantly –
those thoughts are completely gone,
my mind can slow down enough to think
and in that second, I feel so fucking alive.

It’s sick how instant the poison killing me
also adds light to the darkness my mind
traps me inside of for days, even weeks
and for the first time in what feels like forever:
the world was bright, the monsters were gone
and I finally felt like myself.

One impulsive decision could erase
783, 973, 711 seconds of a lifetime I’ve spent
just barely surviving, until I finally found
an escape from the madness, the cure for the dark:
instant gratification, while fully aware
that I could lose it all, I’m risking everything
and without any warning my life could end,
and yet still, I’m reaching for my spoon again.

I’m willing to give up everything,
to risk absolutely anything
to escape what haunts me,
and finally feel the sun on my skin.
I’m giving up my whole life
for relief, freedom from my mind
and the recognition of who I’ve now become.

But honestly,
I don’t regret it at all, ‘cause for this feeling
I’d trade every second I had left
just to feel like this even one more time.

And let’s just face it,
we wouldn’t keep doing something so toxic
unless it was very well worth it.
And this feeling, it’s worth every second.