harder side of me

how is it
that a weak girl became a cruel woman
that a loveless heart broke
that a wasted arm flung a wide slap
and stung it's own face too

how is it
that a wish so pure can be so selfish
to drag you through my trenches
to say you are only sleeping
to write you a thousand words
a thousand years ago
when i was young

can I give you my arms, my legs
will you take a pound of flesh
or is it more? have my nails
so they cannot scratch you
have my eyes
so they cannot cry to you
have my tongue to curl in the drawer
buckled and tied

but give me again your cut and bleeding heart
again the space under your chin
again the will to suffer
for my cause

how is it this is me
how is it
when every paper cut on you
is a screw to my gut

doubt
that I love you?
that I would give up the blood in my veins if it made you happy
that I would not see you suffer
but with me

and that I will not go quietly

nor save one shred of dignity

nor put aside one plea

nor spare you one day of me

this is my true evil
my shadowed face
revealed in one horrorshow magic trick
now the glamorous assistant
cannot be put together again

i never knew
how close my fear was
how like a twin my alter ego
how like a punch a kiss

from one afraid not to kiss you